Yesterday, I had a girl-to-girl talk with my good friend and fellow therapist, Megan. We talked about girls, boys, self care, and “you go, girl!” therapy (which we both practice sometimes).
When boys take up so much of today’s headlines, it helps me to talk to girls like Megan and my friend Maria, whom I’ll be visiting in Portland, Oregon next month.
Let’s see if there’s a good definition of “good” on the internet.
Here’s a thought I’m having immediately about that “good” definition: what’s with the gender stereotypes in that definition (genius = male and women in the kitchen)? And what does “good school” usually mean to people? Could there be some unconscious bias and racism there?
It you think I’m trying to “cancel” the dictionary, the comments section below is a good place to express all your feelings.
Do you see good in my images for today?
There are a lot of good things on that list, but I’ve stopped eating popcorn because it’s not good for my teeth. And it’s good to remember that the negative tends to stick to us, so why not practice being like Teflon today?
Here’s “Only the Good Die Young” by Billy Joel, performed in my good old hometown.
It’s good to end these posts with gratitude, so thanks to all who help me blog every day, including YOU!
Why, for fake’s sake, would I write a post about “fake” when authenticity is so important to me?
Maybe “fake” has something to do with today’s Daily Bitch calendar.
Maybe it’s because I saw this fake swan yesterday.
I’m not being fake when I write that many people fear that others are being fake when they give them very positive feedback. I hear this in therapy and I thought about it last night when I got these compliments, via ZOOM chat, after performing “Vaccinated Women” at an Open Mic:
I sincerely doubt I could fake my way onto a Boston TV show. I think I need a new manager, instead of the fake one I have now:
Harley doesn’t even fake an interest in making me famous.
Do you see “fake” in any of my other images from yesterday?
… who gives me the courage to speak up. Yesterday, we spoke up to each other about the pandemic, racism, privilege, our work as therapists, the death of a shared patient from COVID-19, difficult people, uncertainty, masks, politics, hopes, our children, the past, the present, the future, and our long-time friendship.
There will be no lectures, here and now — just a sharing of information and images, like this one:
Please, no lectures about that button I made for a woman who has to deal with a man who lectures her. Instead, let’s look at this definition of lecture:
to criticize (someone) severely or angrily especially for personal failings
“the frustrated manager lectured the waitstaff about its poor level of service”
Synonyms for lecture
baste, bawl out, berate, call down, castigate, chastise, chew out, dress down, flay, hammer, jaw, keelhaul, lambaste (or lambast), rag, rail (at or against), rant (at), rate, ream (out), rebuke, reprimand, reproach, scold, score, tongue-lash, upbraid
Words Related to lecture
Please, no lectures about my sharing the definition, synonyms, and antonyms for the verb form of the word “lecture” there.
Instead of lectures, I prefer
action,
help,
thoughtfulness,
kindness,
empathy,
awareness,
understanding,
listening,
approval,
endorsement,
praise,
openness,
flexibility, and
acceptance.
Who lectures you, these days? Authority figures? Family members? Acquaintances? YOURSELF?
How do those lectures affect you? How do you deal with them?
If you wear a button like this about lectures …
… at least you’re being direct and polite.
No lectures about signing up for my socially distanced performance of “I Left the House Before I Felt Ready” tomorrow night between 7 – 9 PM, USA Eastern Time, but you do need to do that TODAY by using this link:
Let’s look at the meaning of today’s title: “Looks can be deceiving.”
looks can be deceiving/deceptive
idiom
—used to say that something can be very different from how it seems or appears to be
The restaurant doesn’t look very appealing, but looks can be deceiving/deceptive.
I think many things and people can be deceiving, especially these days. I wish that those who are commenting on the deceiving people would focus less on their looks and more on their deeds. For example, I’m tired of hearing how
Rudy Giuliani looks like a ghoul or a vampire (even if these observations are appropriate to the season) and
Donald Trump looks like a cheeto or something else orange.
After all, looks can be deceiving. I’m sure there are people out there looking like ghouls, vampires, cheetos, or other odd-looking things who are honest, kind, and effective leaders. Likewise, there are people out there who look great and are deceiving, manipulative, and scary.
… many social scientists and others who study the science of stereotyping say there are reasons we quickly size people up based on how they look. Snap judgments about people are crucial to the way we function, they say — even when those judgments are very wrong.
On a very basic level, judging people by appearance means putting them quickly into impersonal categories, much like deciding whether an animal is a dog or a cat. “Stereotypes are seen as a necessary mechanism for making sense of information,” said David Amodio, an assistant professor of psychology at New York University. “If we look at a chair, we can categorize it quickly even though there are many different kinds of chairs out there.”
Eons ago, this capability was of life-and-death importance, and humans developed the ability to gauge other people within seconds.
Susan Fiske, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Princeton, said that traditionally, most stereotypes break down into two broad dimensions: whether a person appears to have malignant or benign intent and whether a person appears dangerous. “In ancestral times, it was important to stay away from people who looked angry and dominant,” she said.
Women are also subdivided into “traditionally attractive” women, who “don’t look dominant, have baby-faced features,” Professor Fiske said. “They’re not threatening.”
Indeed, attractiveness is one thing that can make stereotypes self-fulfilling and reinforcing. Attractive people are “credited with being socially skilled,” Professor Fiske said, and maybe they are, because “if you’re beautiful or handsome, people laugh at your jokes and interact with you in such a way that it’s easy to be socially skilled.”
“If you’re unattractive, it’s harder to get all that stuff because people don’t seek you out,” she said.
AGE plays a role in forging stereotypes, too, with older people traditionally seen as “harmless and useless,” Professor Fiske said. In fact, she said, research has shown that racial and ethnic stereotypes are easier to change over time than gender and age stereotypes, which are “particularly sticky.”
Since I’m an older woman, I have to work extra hard to prove that I am neither useless nor any other “particularly sticky” stereotype. I’m sure I’m not alone in needing to show that looks can be deceiving.
Let’s see if looks can be deceiving in any of my photos from yesterday.
Some days, it occurs to me that the whole world has gone bananas.
Yesterday was one of those days.
This is now, bananas and all.
Here’s a song I used to sing with my son, when life didn’t seem quite as bananas as it does now.
Yesterday, Michael told me he thought Senator Al Franken should resign immediately. I told him I thought that was bananas. But I am bananas about Michael and his thoughts.
Also, a friend I’m bananas about told me that yesterday’s post suggested that there was something demeaning about being a secretary. I replied:
I don’t think there is something demeaning about being a secretary. That was not de meaning of my post.
Was that bananas?
Please express any thoughts and feelings you have about the bananas in this post.
Thanks to all who helped me create today’s bananas blog and — of course! — to you.
I am going to start with a definition of “eye roll” because that’s how I roll.
The action of rolling one’s eyes, typically as an expression of exasperation, disbelief, or disapproval.
Yesterday, when somebody at work treated me like I was his secretary, I did an eye roll in the privacy of my office. While my eyes were rolling, I composed an email in my head that said
I am not your secretary! I am not even your assigned social worker! I don’t like this!
but I didn’t send it. Instead, I sent him an email in which I responded to his request and instructed him how to interact with social work more effectively in the future.
The Year(s) of Living Non-Judgmentally 