Day 3203: When and where?

Last night, when I had completed a very long work day (including facilitating two remote therapy groups where we discussed COVID, family issues, the past, the present, and the future), I tweeted this:

When somebody asked about my answer to that question, this is where I went:

When and where did I capture the other images in today’s blog?

We now know where the Daily Bitch is going, but we don’t know when.

When you looked at those photos, did you notice that Joan is now getting breaks from the cone? When her skin problem is healed, she’ll be where she needs to be to be totally cone-free!

I just took that photo in the room where I’m blogging.

Regarding the when and where of most of today’s photos: Yesterday I went to CVS and Marshall’s where I bought an ace bandage and a baby onesie for Joan. When Joan is without the cone, she prevents her skin from healing by licking where the problem is. When we tried the other solutions , Joan let us know where she is on this issue — she definitely prefers the cone!

This is the song that takes me back to when I was young and where there were transistor radios, a different kind of cone (ice cream), the sun, and the sea.

When and where might you leave a comment?

When you get to the end of my blog posts, that’s where you find my gratitude.

Day 2945: Rear view mirrors

Lately, I’ve been using a helpful image to leave behind and let go of toxic things in my life: I imagine them in the rear view mirror of my car, getting smaller as I drive away.

Donald Trump is in my rear view mirror. He’s also in Randy Rainbow’s rear view mirror, as we can see in “Seasons of Trump.”

Also in my rear view mirror are:

• perfectionism,
• fear,
• worry,
• shame, and
• assholes.

Soon I’ll be putting my fear about getting COVID-19 again in my rear view mirror, because I’m getting the vaccine on Wednesday!

I wonder what I’ll actually be seeing in my car’s rear view mirror as I drive to the Boston hospital where I work to get my shot.

Do you see any rear view mirrors in these photos?

Compassion will make you beautiful, no matter what mirror you’re using.

What, or who, would you like to put in your rear view mirror?

Thanks to all who helped me create this rear-view-mirrors post, including YOU.

Day 1500: Mistakes

In the one thousand and five hundred consecutive posts for this daily blog, mistakes have been the main topic at least five times, if I am not mistaken.

You can check for mistakes in previous posts about mistakes here, here, here, and here.

Yesterday, in therapy, somebody was focusing on mistakes.  Make no mistake, lots of people who come to see me for individual or group therapy focus on and feel bad about mistakes.  They often make the common mistake of believing that only they make mistakes every day.

Everybody makes mistakes every day.  Why?  Because we’re human.

Was it a mistake for me to take only four photos yesterday?

 

I may be mistaken, but I believe that first photo shows people  on their way to yesterday’s victory parade for the New England Patriots. And make no mistake, that last photo shows my boyfriend Michael’s latest victorious meal. Michael was afraid he’d made  mistakes by soaking the monkfish before trying to bread it (unsuccessfully) and then poaching the fish instead.  I thought those “mistakes” resulted in a perfectly delicious meal.

When I look at the news these days, I can get upset about what I see as other people’s mistakes. Sometimes I make the common mistake of forgetting that the only behaviors I can control are my own.

It’s never a mistake for me to look for music on YouTube I want to share.

What are your thoughts and feelings about mistakes?

Time for me to end this post so I can make more mistakes!

No mistake: I am grateful for Michael, my work, my blog, patriots of all kind,  Amanda Joy, good food, the opportunity to make mistakes, and — of course! — you, my readers.

Day 1326: Perfection is a matter of time

What do you think of today’s blog title?  Is perfection a matter of time? Is perfection ever possible, no matter how much time we have?  Is it worth our time trying to be perfect?

Because I woke up so late today in Edinburgh, Scotland, I have no time to make this post even close to perfect.

Yesterday, it took time for me to perfect my understanding of this sign:

It was a matter of time before I perfected how I captured that sign (because of my son’s perfectly timed interruptions):

Earlier in the day, I thought I had found the perfect title for today’s blog post …

…  but it was only a matter of time before I changed my mind.

I don’t have time to explain all the other photos I took yesterday. I will, imperfectly, mention some Scottish experiences that matter to me:

1. My perfect son Aaron and I are attending the Edinburgh Festival Fringe for our fourth time.
2. We love taking the time to talk to the perfectly wonderful people here.
3. My ex-sister-in-law Deborah, her daughter Laura, and Laura’s daughter Victoria arrived yesterday to join us, after spending lots of imperfect time in a New York airport that had no power and waiting hours of time for their rooms in Edinburgh to become available.
4. We found a perfect Edinburgh labyrinth yesterday.
5. Whenever Aaron gets hold of my iPhone camera, it’s only a matter of time before he takes extreme closeups.
6. Aaron and I spend a lot of time discussing which of the Fringe posters comes closest to being perfect.
7. Last night, we saw Josh Ladgrove a/k/a Neal Portenza in another amazingly inventive and hilarious performance. Every year we see him, Neal Portenza perfectly puts Aaron is his show.
8. It’s only a matter of hours before we  all see the Neal Portenza show again.
9. After we see Neal Portenza Neal Portenza Neal Portenza Neal Portenza Neal Portenza Neal Portenza  Neal Portenza Tracey again tonight, we are going to see Tom Joyce, our favorite local comedian.  Every year  Aaron and I have been coming to the Fringe, it’s only a matter of time before we run into Tom on the street at the perfect time or otherwise figure out a way to see him.

It was only a matter of time before I showed you my other photos from yesterday.

 

 

 

 

It was only a matter of time before I would remind you if you can’t perfectly see any of those imperfect photos, you can click on them to enlarge them.

What’s the perfect music for this post?  Damned if I know, but it was only a matter of time before one of those photos would inspire this:

As imperfect as this post is, it took me much more time than I expected to finish it. So here’s some imperfect thanks to all who helped me create it and to you — of course! — for taking the time to visit today.

Day 1126: You can’t be good at everything

The title of this post

You can’t be good at everything

is something my ex-business partner, Jonathan, said to me when I was being self-critical about a task I wasn’t good at, decades ago.  My memory — which can’t be good at everything — tells me Jonathan said

You can’t be good at everything

when I was feeling shame about my living space being cluttered and not “guest-ready. ”

At various points in my life, it’s been helpful for me to say to myself

You can’t be good at everything

about other things, including

• doing my taxes
• drawing
• penmanship
• cleaning
• maneuvering gracefully around other people while walking
• keeping my cat away from my laptop
• calculus
• being a perfect mother
• singing loudly
• discussing politics
• keeping my hair neat all the time

• and many more.

Sometimes, I seem to think that I SHOULD be good at everything, but I hope my readers know that being good at everything  is completely impossible, even if somebody wrote this in your 9th grade yearbook:

You can’t be good at everything, even if you encounter a kind person like Roger sometime in your life.

I can’t be good at everything, including capturing all the wonderful images around me, every single day.  For example, yesterday I took only these three shots:

You can’t be good at everything, but I hope you’re good at leaving good-enough comments for this blog.

Good thanks to Jonathan, Roger, my neighbor Karen (for the custom-made bumper sticker on her car), and all the other good people who helped me create this post. Also, great thanks to you — of course! — for reading this, here and now.

 

Day 1081: The right way

Do you ever notice yourself (or others) getting stuck on the right way to …

• reach a destination, by car or otherwise?
• perform a particular task?
• move towards a goal?
• try something new?
• express yourself?
• interact with other people?
• do every big and little thing?

While it can be helpful to weigh options and choose a good-enough next step, focusing too much on “the right way” can lead to

• over-thinking,
• procrastination,
• stagnation,
• confusion,
• time wasting,
• frustration,,  and
• self-criticism.

Am I creating this blog post the right way, this Thursday morning?   And, are you stuck in thoughts about doing something the “right way”  as you’re reading it?

Did I take these photos the right way?

 

I think the right way to proceed, now,  is to tell you that the most righteous photo in that batch was taken by my boyfriend Michael (shown holding a Star Wars action figure the right way, above).

Which photo is it that Michael took the right way?  The right way to let me know is to comment below.

Before I end this post the right way (with gratitude), here’s something I wrote to friends last night:

I’ve decided today that I am not going to be making a fool of myself when I try out for The Voice in February. That’s a win already!

Right-way thanks to Michael, cats and other creatures, people with compassion, and you — of course! — no matter what next thing you choose to do.

Day 579: What’s underneath, Part 2

Four score and four days ago,  I wrote a post titled “What’s underneath.”

I remember having some worry while I was writing that post, because:

• some people had expressed a wish that I write a review of an Eddie Izzard concert I had attended with my son,
• I wasn’t sure I could do that concert justice with my amateur reviewing skills, and
• I was recovering from pneumonia.

Today, my health is much better. So that worry isn’t underneath the surface, right now.

However, I AM having some worry, as I begin this blog post, because:

• some people expressed a wish yesterday that I reveal the place where my cell phone disappeared in my car and was hiding so effectively that it took  smart, competent, and eager people lots of time to find it and
• I’m not sure I can do a “good enough” job of granting that request.

However, I promised I would show where my cell phone was hiding, if my readers cared enough to request that.  And, a promise is a promise, people!

Now, why am I uncertain about doing a good enough job, today?

Well, I wonder if I can capture, with my amateur photography skills and other limitations, the excitement of that original, in-the-moment “reveal” when I discovered  where that friggin’ phone was, in my car. I am worried that any reenactment will be WAY underneath the actual experience.

Last night, however, I put aside such worries, concerns, and trepidations, and attempted, with the help of my lovely assistant, Michael, to reenact and recapture the end of that hide-and-seek game with my cell phone, in my car. My plan, last night,  was to put my phone back in its excellent hiding place, and take a picture of it, using Michael’s new phone.

The Pros of last night’s plan?  It was dark, which was an accurate reenactment of  the actual event.  Also, the real perpetrator (my phone) would be returning to the scene of the crime.

The Cons of last night’s plan?  It was dark, and the two phones would NOT cooperate, at all.

What to do?  I wondered.

My lovely assistant, Michael, suggested that I go to Plan B, and take a photo this morning, before publishing today’s post.

The Pros of that plan?  It’s light outside now, so I can probably capture something, even if the result is underneath my hopes and standards. Also (as expressed above),  the real perpetrator would be returning to the scene of the crime.

The Cons of that plan?  I’d have to get ready to leave the house, go out to my car by myself, struggle to put that friggin’ phone back in that friggin’ hiding place, twist around to somehow take a photo that’s good enough, and deal with my own laziness and perfectionism about all that.

Hey!  Maybe I can dig up something from Google Images, this morning, that will do the trick, instead!

Hmmm.  I wonder what search phrase might be above any others, to start? I’ll try this Google Images search first:

Mazda3 underneath steering wheel

Aha!

(I found that image here)

That’s not perfect, but I guess it’s good enough.

What else do I want to include in this post, underneath that Big Reveal, above?

How about a photo  I WAS able to take successfully, last night?

I want to tell you that underneath all I wrote today, was …

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Joy.

 

That is NOT somebody named Joy. That’s my friend, Jeanette, whom I last saw in April, during a shared adventure in  NYC, right before I came down with pneumonia.  Jeanette is visiting Boston, briefly, from a city that lies underneath, in the USA: Philadelphia.

I’m pretty sure I’m right about that, geographically.  Let’s check:

(image found, FINALLY, here)

You would not believe all the trouble I had to go through,  just now, to bring you that good-enough map, above.   At one point, I was asked to prove  I was human!

I guess we never know, for sure, what’s going on, underneath, with anybody else.

Thanks to Mazda, phones (hiding or in plain sight), Jeanette, Michael, people who do their best keeping promises, and to you — of course! — for visiting today, no matter where you are on the map.

Day 364: What day is it?

I believe this thing to be self-evident:  On the penultimate* day of The Year of Living Non-Judgmentally, I have managed to come up with the goofiest title, ever.

And I’m not being judgmental about that. I happen to think that “goofy” is high praise. (I believe I’ve demonstrated that belief, in this previous post.) Although, one could argue that praise, of any sort, is also judgmental.**

All right, Ann!  Enough with the charmingly (you hope) digressive style! Let’s cut to the chase!  Why do you think that title is goofy?

I think the title is goofy because … it expresses a confusion about the day, after stating what day it is.

Then why in the Wild Wild World of Sports*** did you choose THAT title (after considering several others, as usual)?

Because at this time of the year, I am often confused about what day it is.  There is something about  The Week Between Christmas and New Year’s**** that causes rampant confusion in my brain, about the day.  To add to this, I am taking two days  off from work before New Year’s Day, and routine changes often confuse my sense of time.

I’m assuming I am not alone, in these experiences.

Although I AM alone as I am writing this.

Although that’s not entirely true, either.  How can I say I’m alone?  There’s a cat on my lap.  This cat, to be exact:

That image meets my stringent criteria for posting my own photos here, including (1) I’ve never used it before, (2) it’s in focus, and (3) it is perhaps cute and interesting enough to ameliorate* possible feelings of annoyance at my charmingly (I hope) digressive and inquisitive writing style*****.

Where was I?  Oh, yes, I am not alone. Further proof of that: my 15-year-old son, Aaron, and my boyfriend, Michael, are both here, albeit* asleep.

Hmmm. So what IS this post about, so far?  What are the themes that are already emerging?

Well, confusion is a theme.

And what might confusion indicate, right now?

It might indicate that I need a little more food or sleep.  That’s (always) possible.

However, I think it also indicates that it’s the next-to-last day of the year. Endings — and the approach of endings — can definitely cause confusion, in me.

Perhaps I’m not alone in that, too. Also, confusion is not always a bad thing,  is it?

As I am approaching the end of this post, let’s see if I can find an image that represents “confusion,” right now.  First, I shall check my trusty iPhone. I have no expectations, at this point, whether a photo is waiting there, that will fit the bill.

(….suspenseful pause…..)

OMG!  I’ve struck gold. Not fool’s gold; real gold. The mother lode!  The mother of them all. ***

That shot, which I took last Friday in the hospital cafeteria, not only meets all my criteria for my own photos, it is the perfect representation of the concept “confusion.”   While true perfection may not exist, just look at all the confusion we’ve got there, in one single image. Feast your eyes on all the opposites, dialectics*, paradoxes, and contradictions!

Healthy/unhealthy. Biodegradable/Plastic. Cafeteria food/Salad bar. Dark/Light. Mac & Cheese/Anti-Mac & Cheese.

It’s all there, people! (And you may see more, too.)

Ahhhhhh.  My work here is done.

At least for the day.

Thanks to all my readers, no matter what day you happen to drop by. There’s no confusion here: I appreciate your visit, wherever you are.

---

* One of my favorite words.  I would define it, but I’m hoping the context will clarify its meaning, if necessary. Also, I hope to use this footnote as a running gag throughout the post.

** My good friend Krystal wrote me about that, last week.

*** This is a steal from Mel Brooks. See here for the first (mis-remembered) steal. I can’t find a clip for the second steal, which is from one of my favorite movies, “The Producers.”

**** Yes, Mark Bialczak, I am using this form, for now.

***** At least, in this particular case, among cat people. For people who don’t like cats, all bets are off.

Day 341: Friendly Reminder(s)

The title of this post was inspired by an e-mail I got from somebody, last week.

This person had e-mailed me a question, asking about possible therapy supports for someone. When I didn’t answer back within a day, she sent me another e-mail, starting with the title phrase — “Friendly reminder” — asking for the information again.

I took note of that, because quick responses are something that matter to me, a lot.

I sometimes feel a lot of stress, when I don’t get back to people quickly enough. That’s true at work and elsewhere (including here in the blogosphere, I must confess).

Of course, that leads to the question, “What is quickly enough?”  My supervisor, at work, has suggested that I ease off on myself, and allow myself more time and room to get back to people.  That’s always an important, friendly reminder from her,  because, in my work, a lot of people ask me questions, looking for help, every day. And I CAN’T get back to everybody as quickly as I would like. It’s impossible.

That’s an ongoing struggle for me — to allow more space and time for myself to respond.  I need to remind myself that — while I’m not responding back as quickly as I would like to — it’s the best I can do. I’m only human.

But I struggle with that, a lot.  And when I’m feeling down about myself, I label myself as “not responsive enough.” (And other harsher things, which I won’t name here.) (However, I will direct you to this list, for a friendly reminder about cognitive distortions including “labeling.”)

(Strangely enough, in my two yearly reviews, “responsive” was a word that people used, many times, describing me. That surprised me, each time, because it didn’t match my own wishes and expectations for myself.)

One thing I’ve considered: maybe I want to respond quickly to people because that’s what I WANT FROM OTHERS.

I’m sure that’s true.   And my own yearning for quick responses? It’s based on old feelings and experiences.  When I was a kid, I needed people to respond quickly, when I was in pain, and they didn’t.

I’m sure I’m not alone, in that experience (even though the circumstances may vary).

Another thing I’ve noticed: I’m more forgiving of other people’s non-perfect responsiveness, than I am of my own.

I’m sure I’m not alone in THAT, either.

So, to get back to the beginning of my post:  Somebody, last week, sent me an e-mail saying “Friendly reminder,” when I didn’t respond to her initial request within a day.

And this was my reaction to that:

Wow!

And what did  “Wow!” mean?  Lots of things, including:

• Gee!  She has some nerve, asking for me to respond that quickly.  Doesn’t she know I have LOTS of requests, every day?
• I wish I could ask for something I need, with that kind of nerve.
• That’s really an effective way to express that need. (My proof of that:  my first, annoyed response faded within seconds).
• Obviously, her need was more critical than I realized at first.
• I want to learn from her, and use that phrase when I’m feeling the need for a quick response.

And then I responded back to her, very quickly, and I was happy to do so.

Okay!  It’s time to look for photos on my iPhone, to adorn this post before I end it.

Actually, when I take a photo, it’s a friendly reminder to self: “Share this image with somebody, some day.” I do give myself space and time, with those reminders.  I don’t pressure myself. I know I have all the time I need, to decide when to share those images.

Here are the photos whose times have come, today:

Friendly Reminders: A Photo Essay

by Ann

That photo is a friendly reminder that our last Argentine Tango lesson is coming up, this Wednesday.  That’s Chloe, the instructor’s dog, who has been attending dance classes for many years. Because she’s watched so many dancers, I’m assuming Chloe may be better* at the Tango than I am, at this point.

Friendly reminder to self: Decide whether to sign up for more tango lessons.

.

When I was walking around the hospital where I work, yesterday, I saw this at somebody’s work station and quickly snapped this photo.  That flower looks blurry, not just because of my hurriedness in taking the photo, but also because that friggin’ flower was DANCING.  There was no sound or music of any kind, but that flower just wouldn’t stop.

Friendly reminder: When people are doing challenging work, with no windows in sight, it helps to remember flowers. And dancing, too.

.

Here are the plants outside my office, photo also taken yesterday.  If you look at the far right of that photo, you may be able to see the bird that appeared in a previous blog post, here.

Friendly reminder: the holidays are approaching.

–

Last photo, taken before I started this post this morning:

Friendly reminder: More snow is coming soon, to many neighborhoods near me.

.

Thanks for reminders — friendly and otherwise — and for all of you reading today.

_________________________________________

* For those of you who are keeping score on Cognitive Distortions, there’s another one: Comparisons.

Day 318: Other people’s mistakes

I’ve written several times, this year, about perfectionism. (For example, here, here, and here.)

Nobody is perfect — including the writer and the readers of this post.  As humans, we all make mistakes, every day. (Probably, we all make mistakes every hour.)

I react differently to the Making of Mistakes, though, depending upon who is doing the mistake-making.

When I realize that I have made a mistake, this is my usual response:

I feel awful.

Here are some typical, automatic thoughts I have:

Oh, no!  I made a mistake!  I should have paid better attention. This is really going to be a problem for other people, too.  What’s the matter with me?

It’s a different story, though, when somebody else makes a mistake. Often, I forgive other people their mistakes.

It’s much easier to remember that everybody makes mistakes, when it’s everybody else.

However, when somebody makes a mistake that has a direct, negative impact on me,  that’s a different story, too.

Then, this is my usual response:

I feel awful.

Here are some typical, automatic thoughts I have:

Oh, no! This other person made a mistake!  And that really caused me some discomfort. What do I do now?  How do I tell them about it? They’ll probably think it’s MY fault, too!  How can I prove it’s NOT? Maybe it IS my fault, somehow! And what if it’s NOT my fault and they don’t own up to that? THEN what do I do?   Also, if I mattered and was important enough to them, they would have been more careful!  Now I’m angry!  NOW what do I do? If I express my anger, I’ll probably alienate them!  I don’t want to lose them!  But I don’t want to pretend that it’s all okay with me, either, because it’s NOT!

This is what I notice about THAT, now.

When somebody else makes a mistake, I tend to have MORE thoughts.

Why?

Well, I’m really used to my own mistakes. I KNOW (by living with myself) how imperfect I am: I’ve got lots of proof about that. At times in the past, I’ve thought of myself as a screw-up — somebody who constantly make mistakes.

So THAT’s familiar.

But, somehow, I’ve never gotten used to other people’s mistakes.

Why is that?

This is my best guess, right now: When I was a little kid, I needed important people — upon whom I depended —  to NOT make major mistakes.  (And they made mistakes, of course. They were human.)

I know I’m not alone, in that.

Here’s a personal example of that: I  needed the doctors keeping me alive —  through surgeries and new technologies — to NOT make major mistakes. Big time.

So, my wish —  even as an adult — is that people NOT make mistakes. But they do, of course, every day.

Also, if somebody makes a mistake that has a negative effect on me and doesn’t own it, I can feel some anger about that (naturally). And as I wrote, two days ago, I can be a little clueless about anger, once I have it.

So there you have it: My reactions to other people’s mistakes.

It’s easy for me to write this post today, dear readers, because somebody — whom I’ve yet to meet —  made a mistake last night which did have a negative impact on me.  At this writing, the person is not owning the mistake, which may or may not change.

This is what I’ve done, so far, this morning, to deal with this:

1. I wrote an e-mail to the person, pointing out the facts.
2. By focusing on the facts, I let go of any wish to affect the other person’s feelings about this in any way.
3. I worked on this blog post.

All those things helped.

What’s missing, for me, right now?

A cool image, for this post!

My next step: consult my iPhone for recent photos.

Oh!  Here’s one:

Recently, I saw this hand-written message on a sign, regarding a overdue repair to a machine.

So there you have it, my dear readers:  Another way to respond to other people’s mistakes.

Thanks to everybody who makes and responds to mistakes and to you — of course! — for visiting here today.