I may want to avoid writing this post.
But I’m going to “just do it.”
Here are some random thoughts about avoidance, to get me started:
If I’m avoiding something, there is some fear involved.
It might be fear about an outcome.
It might be fear about hurting somebody else.
Or fear about being hurt, myself.
I might be sullen or angry about something — “I don’t want to do this!”
Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m avoiding.
Avoidance feels a certain way, though.
It feels like this:
My mouth is flat, or turned down.
My brow is furrowed.
My eyes don’t focus.
My thoughts flit around, unwilling to light on anything, like a butterfly trapped in a room filled with lobster sauce.*
(That was, I believe, the first occurrence in this blog of A Deliberate Simile. The first simile after a full six months! And the simile itself was not random; it was well-researched. See here.)
What else do I feel when I’m avoiding?
I feel a pit in my belly.
I think it’s fear, all right.
So I guess I need to ask myself the question, What Am I Afraid Of?
That question isn’t working so well, this morning. (Although sometimes a question like that is really helpful: see here.)
Here’s how I know that’s not the best question, right now. The answer to “What am I afraid of?” is a general one:
Lots of things.
So I’ll try a different question.
What am I avoiding?
Aha! Better question.
I’m avoiding saying goodbye to a co-worker.
I’m avoiding talking to my son about how scared I am, regarding his recent and sudden illness. (He’s okay, by the way.)
Sometimes I think I should re-name this blog “The Year of Naming Things, So I Can Then Figure Out What To Do.”
I’m not sure, at this point, what I’m going to do about either of these things.
But I’ll quote something I heard yesterday, at work:
It helps to know I have options and choices. It’s funny how I often forget that.
And, for me, the first step of figuring out my options is this:
To figure out where I am.
Thanks for joining me today, as I figure things out.
* No good pictures of this (“butterfly lobster sauce”) on Google Images. Oh, well.