Day 2114: Master Your _________

Is there something you’d like to master right now?  Could it be

• worry,
• work,
• tasks,
• technology,
• time,
• problems,
• insecurity,
• fears,
• procrastination,
• negative self talk,
• appetites,
• addictions,
• anxiety,
• depression,
• stress,
• impulses,
• animals,
• minerals,
• vegetables,
• possessions,
• finances,
• sleep,
• cooking,
• eating,
• unhealthy patterns, or
• pumpkins?

It’s good to know that, at least, we can master our pumpkins.

I need to master the rest of this post quickly, or I’ll be late to work. As usual, I’m trying to master photography:

Here’s what happens when you look for “master your pumpkin” on YouTube:

 

I’m having difficulty mastering certain aspects of blogging this morning. I suspect some sort of technology update.

No matter what, I can muster and master thanks to all who help me create these blog posts and — of course! — to YOU.

Day 1643: Badly

Because the word “badly” appeared  in a recent badly written tweet, I am badly focusing on it today.

I sometimes badly worry that I

• suffer fools badly,
• communicate badly,
• do my hair badly,
• exercise badly,
• snack badly,
• decide badly,
• speak badly,
• write badly,
• draw badly,
• understand badly,
• assert myself badly,
• drive badly,
• park badly,
• pack badly,
• cook badly,
• bake badly,
• hear badly,
• see badly,
• clean badly,
• organize badly,
• feel badly,
• move badly,
• age badly,
• remember badly,
• interrupt badly,
• comment badly,
• dance badly,
• play musical instruments badly,
• sing badly,
• sleep badly,
• choose badly, and
• photograph badly.

That turkey was limping badly yesterday. I badly hope it’s okay.

When I badly worry that I’ve done something badly, I barely remember this goodly mantra: It’s good enough and I can make it better.

I shall now badly share some music by Badly Drawn Boy.

By the way, because my laptop is behaving badly, I am badly blogging today on my iPhone.

And, yes, I badly want comments on this post.

Bigly thanks to all who helped me create this badly post and — of course! — to my readers, whom I need badly.

Day 1216: Uh oh

maybe some people reading this don’t know what “Uh oh” means.

I’ve found several definitions of “Uh oh” on the internet.

uh-oh
ˈə ˌō/
exclamation
used to express alarm, dismay, or realization of a difficulty.
““Uh-oh! Take cover!””
synonyms: yikes, oh dear, cripes, mercy, holy moly, alas, dear me, ‘oh me, oh my’, whoops
“uh-oh, the cat got out!”

uh–oh
interjection \ˈə-ˌō, usually with strong glottal stops before the vowels\
Popularity: Bottom 10% of words
Simple Definition of uh–oh
—used when you realize that you are in a bad situation, that you have made a mistake, etc.
Full Definition of uh–oh
—used to indicate dismay or concern

First Known Use of uh–oh
1971

Rhymes with uh–oh
aglow, ago, airflow, airglow, air show, alow, although, archfoe, argot, a throw, backflow, backhoe, bandeau, Baotou, barlow, bateau, below, bestow, big toe, bon mot, bravo, by-blow, cachepot, callow, caló, Carlow, cash flow, chapeau, Chi-Rho, cockcrow, Cocteau, cornrow, corn snow, crossbow, Cousteau, Darrow, Day-Glo, dayglow, death row, Defoe, de trop, deathblow, deco, down-bow, dumb show, elbow, escrow, fencerow, flambeau, floor show, flyblow, fogbow, forego, foreknow, forgo, freak show, free throw, Freneau, Fuzhou, galop, game show, genro, gigot, Glencoe, go-slow, Gounod, Guangzhou, gung ho, guyot, Hadow, Hangzhou, Hankow, Harrow, heave-ho, hedgerow, heigh-ho, hello, hollo, horse show, ice floe, ice show, inflow, in tow, Io, jabot, jambeau, Jane Doe, jim crow, Jinzhou, Joe Blow, Jiaozhou, John Doe, Juneau, Hounslow, kayo, KO, Lanzhou, lie low, light show, longbow, low blow, Luchow, macho, mahoe, maillot, mallow, manteau, Marlowe, Marot, marrow, matelot, merlot, Meursault, minnow, Miró, misknow, Moho, mojo, morceau, morrow, Moscow, mucro, mudflow, Murrow, nightglow, no-no, no-show, nouveau, oboe, outflow, outgo, outgrow, oxbow, peep show, Pernod, picot, plateau, pronto, Quanzhou, quiz show, rainbow, Rameau, red snow, reflow, regrow, repo, reseau, road show, rondeau, rondo, roscoe, Roseau, rouleau, sabot, Saint-Lô, salchow, scarecrow, self-sow, serow, shadblow, Shantou, sideshow, skid row, ski tow, Soho, so-so, sound bow, sourdough, stone’s throw, sunbow, Suzhou, tableau, Taizhou, talk show, tiptoe, Thoreau, tone row, tonneau, trade show, trousseau, Trudeau, unsew, up-bow, upthrow, van Gogh, wallow, Wenzhou, Wicklow, widow, willow, windrow, windthrow, winnow, Winslow, Wuzhou, Xuzhou, Yalow, yarrow, Zhangzhou, Zhengzhou, Zibo

I didn’t give credit for where I found those two definitions.

I don’t know where the first definition came from, but you can find the second definition here.

I’m feeling insecure about

• how repetitive my posts are,
• including links in these posts, and
• several other things, this morning.

 

I wold have hoped as a psychotherapist and a life-long learner, I would never feel insecure again at this point in my long life.

I guess that was an unrealistic hope and expectation.

I assume you’ve had enough, already, with that same photo, so here are all the other photos I took yesterday, as I returned to work after a one-week vacation:

I think some of those photos are two small to see and need explanation.

I’m only going to enlarge and explain this photo:

which was in another person’s office, not mine.

I don’t know what music to include in today’s post, if any.

 

I forgot to invite you to leave a comment.  As I sometimes tell people in my therapy groups, feel free to share any thoughts or feelings, to write a poem, or to do an interpretative dance. There’s really no right or wrong way to express yourself here.

it’s time for me to get ready for work!

Thanks to all who helped me create this post and to you — of course! — for reading it.

---

I noticed at least two (uh oh, THREE) mistakes in this post after I published it. Can you spot them?

Day 202: Looks

I went to my 43rd high school reunion last night.

Here are some random thoughts about that.

When I entered junior high school (from a really small, religion-based elementary school), I knew very few of the over 200 people in my new class.

I started junior high school the year after my whole world turned around — when I had my first cardiac pacemaker implanted (on the same day that John F. Kennedy was shot, which turned everybody else’s world around, too).

I didn’t know many people in my 7th grade class. Nevertheless, I remember being happy to be entering that big world of more diverse, interesting people. I remember observing people, with fascination and with gratitude to be there among them.

It felt like an adventure and a relief, in a way.

Some people were kinder than others back then. 13-year-old kids aren’t very far along in the process of developing empathy to others. (Developing empathy is a growth process in human beings, which sometimes gets short circuited by unfortunate circumstances.)

But for the most part, I remember a lot of people who showed kindness to me. And I could have been a prime target for bullying — (1) I was unfamiliar to lots of people and (2) I had a medical condition that a lot of people knew about. (Because cardiac pacemakers were so new, and because the one I had implanted was so big and stuck so far out, the doctors thought I needed to wear a brace and leave early from class, with somebody carrying my books for me.)

But I only got bullied by one person and it was pretty mild (even though I did witness, at times, other people getting bullied worse, which was awful).

I had a lot of great experiences, learning to know the people in the class, as we grew from ages 13 through 18.

One thing I remember feeling bad about for most of those years of junior high and high school?

My looks.

Not sure why I felt so bad, in retrospect. Actually, I can guess:

• I didn’t look like the models of good looks I saw everywhere in the media.
• The guys in junior high and high school didn’t seem interested in me, that way.
• I had this weird pacemaker sticking out of my body, which affected how I felt about myself.

Last night, at the reunion, some of the guys told me that they were interested in me, back then.

Why didn’t they let me know when we were in school together?

Because they thought I wouldn’t go out with them. They had lots of reasons why they thought I might reject THEM. I was very surprised to hear that.

I think a lot of people hear stories like that — and other surprising stories — when they go to a reunion.

That’s the end of the blog post for today, ladies and gentlemen.

Thanks to people from my high school, everybody who ever felt insecure in school, and — if that doesn’t cover everybody reading today — the rest of you, too.

Day 127: Reasons why somebody hasn’t e-mailed you back yet

Somebody wonderful I know, named Mia, recently said to me, “You know what, Ann?  I’ve realized something. I’m not the only one who doesn’t respond to e-mails.”  And that clicked with something I had been thinking about.

In every relationship involving a back-and-forth communication (which would include every friggin’ relationship), one person is waiting for a response from another person.

In every relationship, at any particular point in time, one person is waiting for a response (and  is perhaps wondering what the wait means) and the other person hasn’t responded yet (and is perhaps feeling guilty about that).

That, ladies and gentlemen, leads us to this:

Reasons Why Somebody Hasn’t E-mailed (or called or texted or otherwise contacted) You Back Yet

by Ann

.

1. They* are waiting until they get enough space in their lives, so they can give you the time you deserve and a response they think is worthwhile.
2. They responded to you by THINKING what they wanted to say, and then confused that with sending an actual e-mail.
3. There is some task required or some information they need before they can respond to you effectively.
4. They have some complicated feelings about you and may be waiting for those to resolve.
5. They tend to respond more quickly to the people they are worried about, and they are not worried about you.
6. While they are waiting for the right time to respond, they become overwhelmed by having to juggle too many priorities, and they lose track of things.
7. They believe you don’t need a response from them.
8. They took in what you communicated, appreciated it, and moved on.
9. They don’t think they’re important to you, thus assuming you won’t care whether or not they respond.
10. You’re not  important enough to them.

If you’re like me (and a lot of other people I know), you might assume the reason is that last one (because that would be your worst fear, people).

Look at all those other possibilities, though! Chances are that the last reason is NOT the most accurate one. (Although it could be.) (Still, probably less often than you think.)

Can you think of other helpful reasons  to include in this list?  Are there some other reasons why YOU might not respond back to somebody in your life?

Thanks to Mia and all the other people in my life who helped me think about this post. And thanks to you, for reading.

_________________________

* For you grammar fans out there, I am preferring to use “they” instead of “he or she.”  Feel free to protest that decision; I would be delighted to read what you have to say about that.

Day 68: Barriers to Connection

This post is dedicated to my wonderful cousin, Lani, because the number 68 is very special to her.

Connection is super important to me.  And, while I only truly know my own experience, I’ve gotta believe that connection is also very important to most of you reading this.  (Data supporting this assumption:  If connecting with other people and their ideas was NOT important to you, why would you be reading this?)

I think a lot about connection — because of the work I do as a psychotherapist and because it makes life worthwhile for me.

Therefore, I also think a lot about the barriers to connection. What gets in the way of human beings connecting better with each other?

I will now make a list of possible candidates.

Barriers to Connection I Have Known

by Ann Koplow

Barrier #1.  My own insecurities.

This is probably the biggest barrier to my connecting in a more authentic, uncomplicated, and effective way to other people.  As a matter of fact, this might be a very short list. And a very short blog post.

Let’s see, do I have more to say about this?

Well, I could list my insecurities, which get in the way of connecting with other people.

Here are some of them:

1. I’m not smart enough.  There are so many things that other people know that I don’t.
2. I’m too smart, in some weird way, and people don’t understand what I’m trying to tell them.
3. I’m just weird, because of my unique set of past experiences, so people don’t understand what I’m trying to tell them.

Okay.  Is there anything else I want to tell you about this, today, dear reader?

I guess not.

It looks like a beautiful day outside.  I’m going out there, people!

Thanks for reading.

Day 27: This blog is good enough AND I can make it better.

I’m glad I’ve chosen this for the Topic Du Jour, because I think I’m going to find this helpful (and maybe even fun!) to write about.

For one thing, I like thinking about the generalized version of this subject heading, which I’ve been using lately as a remedy or antidote, when I start to lapse into self-judgment:

It’s good enough already AND I can make it better.

What I like about this handy-dandy, helpful phrase is that it allows me to feel acceptance of where I am (regarding my learning curve at work, relationships,  my abilities as a mother, where I live, a group I’m doing, etc.), despite my constant awareness of all the things I don’t know and could improve upon.

So that phrase definitely helps me.

It’s helping me right now!

Starting and writing this blog is a good example of how that phrase can help me hold (and honor) two things which may seem mutually exclusive:  (1) acceptance of where I am and (2) my inherently lively self-judgmental voice, which wants me to do better (but which, in its zealousness, can make me feel worse).

At this point, I’d like to fill you in on some details about The Birth of This Blog. In December,  after spending several months writing, more prolifically than I expected, chapters for a possible book (or two), I decided that it might be a good time to also start a blog.  I had never written a blog before, but I liked the idea of another outlet for writing — and a way of writing that would be much more interactive than writing a book on my own. I also saw starting a blog as a way to support a current quest of mine:   to let go of judgment (and to help others do the same).  And the title of the blog came to me: The Year of Living Non-Judgmentally. I loved the idea of committing to that for the coming year, recognizing that Non-Judgment is a goal that I would never completely and consistently attain, but which striving toward could  be very helpful.  (I’m thinking about Calculus, which I actually hated in school, but which — if my memory serves me correctly  —  is all about approaching and getting closer to a point without actually ever reaching it.)

I wasn’t sure how often I would write in this blog, and I wasn’t sure when I would start it.  The two possibilities for starting were:  January 1, 2013, and February 2, 2013, which would be my 60th birthday.  So, in December, I started a quick and dirty research of How To Blog, using my usual learning technique of asking people what they knew and what they would advise. A couple of people suggested WordPress as the site.  And then I did a quick crash course, for myself, of how to get started blogging on WordPress.  I spent a few hours looking at possible formats (called “themes” here),  saw the “Adventure Journal” theme  and loved the idea of this coming year as an adventure. (I also looked at the suggested photographs for the Adventure Journal and LOVED the picture of that camel, looking at the pyramids — a place I’ve always wanted to go, and haven’t been to yet.)

So, late in December, I decided upon the theme and felt like I knew enough to Take The Plunge. And I began writing this blog on January 1, 2013.

Now,  I am 27 days into this journey, and have actually posted each day. I have also had a chance to look at other WordPress blogs.

So, right on schedule, I am having thoughts that fit into the Cognitive Distortion of ….

Comparisons.

Here is the definition of Comparisons,  from a hand-out I use at work on Cognitive Distortions/Unhelpful Thoughts:

Comparisons.

We compare ourselves to others, with ourselves coming out short. For example, “I’m not as smart (or good, competent, good-looking, lovable, etc.) as that other person.”   Or, we compare ourselves to how we think we should be, or how we’ve been before.  We might think that comparisons help motivate us, but they usually make us feel worse.

So, yes, I am now reading other blog posts here, where I really enjoy the cleanness and simplicity of the posting themes. And lately, I have been comparing, to my disadvantage, the way my blog looks. My blog has an appearance chosen by a newbie, overwhelmed by all the choices here, who fell in love with the words “Adventure Journal” and a picture of an inscrutable camel staring at the pyramids.

Okay, if you’re interested in more details about the negative  thoughts  have come up for me lately about this blog — thoughts also heavily laden with the previously blogged-upon cognitive distortions of Mind-Reading and Should’s– feel free to dive into this italicized Pool of Judgment:

I don’t like the sans-serif type font that my blog theme uses.  And I can’t seem to change it!   When I used to work in marketing and advertising, I was a fanatic about using serif fonts in every piece of marketing literature I helped create –since studies showed that serif fonts were easier to read.  Why did I choose this theme without more care about the type font that was available?  People are probably having trouble reading this with that lousy type font.  They’re also probably getting annoyed with the “gimmicks” of my posts! It’s bad enough I’ve chosen my own gimmicks — using the term “dear reader” and my tendency to Capitalize Important Concepts (which drives my son crazy) — but at least THOSE I CAN CHANGE IF I CHOOSE. What about those gimmicks I can’t control because it’s part of the Adventure Journal Theme ? Those ripped slips of paper that serve as my replies to comments, and so on!  I bet those gimmicks are driving people crazy, and maybe even preventing some people from reading this blog!  What was I thinking, choosing such a busy theme?  Why didn’t I take more time to look at other people’s blogs, which look so modern, so clean, so easy to read?

Phew.  I don’t know how that was to read, but — as always — it helps me to write  down those dang judgmental thoughts — getting them out of my head.

I repeat, Phew!

I’m also noticing the focus on appearance — how this blog looks — in that pool of judgment. So  I’m remembering, right now,  times I’ve made other judgmental comparisons about appearances. That is, I’m remembering some painful times where I’ve compared how I look to a more popular ideal.

Hmmmm. That’s interesting.

So what I would like to do right now is to make some choices.  I’m reaffirming my acceptance of appearances (mine and my blog)  and hoping that people can get past any flaws –that I might see or fear  — to the beauty they may be able to find for themselves.

Wow!  I actually didn’t know this post was going to go THERE, dear reader.

Before I end this surprising post, I want to say a few more things:  There are some important lessons for me learn about being a blogger, including how to refer to other posts I’ve written, in a way that meets Blog Etiquette. (I have googled that concept of Blog Etiquette, but I’m still confused and relatively clueless about rules and execution of same.)  I would also like to learn how to list, on each blog post, the other blogs I’m following here, in order to share the wealth I’m experiencing as a reader.

But I’m reminding myself, right now, that I have time to learn what I need to, and I am happy — in the moment, now that I’ve written this post — with exactly where I am on the blogging journey.  Because it’s good enough AND I can make it better.

Thanks for participating on this day of this adventure with me, dear reader.