Posts Tagged With: honesty

Day 1858: Falling

Ever since I’ve been on anticoagulant medication  (for most of the time I’ve been writing this blog), I’ve been afraid of falling, so I take great care not to fall.

Yesterday, despite my efforts not to fall, I felt myself falling on my walk to work.  I tried not to fall, but you can’t fight city hall and sometimes you can’t fight a fall.

As I was falling and I saw the cold, hard sidewalk rushing up to meet me, I thought,

  • Ooops!
  • I didn’t expect this.
  • I hope I won’t bruise too much.
  • I’m probably going to feel this for a while.
  • I bet this looks interesting to other people.

After falling, I stayed down, checking myself.  I was glad I hadn’t hit my head or my Implantable Cardiac Device (ICD). I didn’t think I had broken anything. I couldn’t see any bruising.  People in cars rolled down their windows and asked, “Are you all right?” I replied, “I THINK so.”   A woman walking behind me asked if I was okay and she helped me get up off the sidewalk.   She said, “Did you slip on the ice?”  We looked around and didn’t see any ice.  I said, “I think I just caught my toe on something.”  Everybody else I told about falling yesterday asked, “Did you slip on the ice?”  I could have easily fallen into a white lie and said, “Yes,” but lying is not one of my fallings.

An hour before the falling, I had called to make an appointment to see a doctor about the ongoing pain around my ICD, so I had the relief of knowing I would see a doctor later that day.  And because I naturally fall into trying to look at the bright side, I thought, “Well, maybe the pain from this fall will distract me from the other pain.”

And it did.  As the morning went on, my falling resulted in increasing pain in my shoulder. It hurt to draw this on the whiteboard in my Wednesday morning group:

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Because many members of the group had many obligations and worries falling on them, I suggested that they draw a protective circle around themselves and write down the things that were bothering them outside the circle.  I invited them to include the realities of the present moment inside the circle with them.

Inside my circle, I wrote “warmth,” “safety,” and “pain” among other things.  Outside the circle, I wrote “falling,”” “hard sidewalks,” and “pain” among other things.

Since falling, I’ve seen a doctor and had an X-ray.  There are no breaks or dislocations. I’m using ice and Extra Strength Tylenol to ease the pains from my falling.

I’m falling into a prediction that I’ll be feeling pain on my birthday tomorrow but I’ll also be feeling joy for having the strength to get up, again, after falling.

Here’s a song I heard somebody singing at The Voice try-outs last Saturday:

 

While you listen to Alicia Keys singin’ “Fallin’,” here are more photos I took after falling:

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Gotta go ice my shoulder and go to work. Plan for the day: Avoid Falling.

As usual, I’m falling into gratitude for all who helped me create today’s post and — of course! — for YOU.

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Categories: group therapy, personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 37 Comments

Day 129: Clichés

This post is dedicated to people I’ve worked with in the past, whom I really appreciate.

The definition of cliché:

platitude: a trite or obvious remark

I’m hearing them differently lately.

Here are some I heard when I was growing up (and rolling my eyes):

1.  First things first.

Absolutely.

2.  Patience is a virtue.

Yes.

3.  Honesty is the best policy.

Indeed.

4.  The more the merrier.

(Pssst! That’s an invitation for you to add clichés that “ring true” for you.)

And, in conclusion (seemingly contradicting that last one):

5.  Quality, not quantity.

Thanks for reading. (Is that a cliché?)  (Nah.)

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Day 51: Honesty, Judgment, plus Sleep (again!)

Honesty is really important to me.

And I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

But, I wonder if my focus on honesty is unrealistic.

I wonder if my childhood experiences have made ma kind of an Honesty Fanatic. I wonder if my childhood experiences have made me Too Judgmental about other people’s honesty — not allowing for human imperfection.

Not knowing how I compare to other people — who haven’t had my childhood experiences — regarding honesty and trust, reminds me of something I wrote in Day 21 of this blog.  That post — in which I wrote about how getting ill  (even with a cold) could affect me — included this section (which I’ve italicized here):

Even when I’m a little bit ill, being sick affects how I feel about myself.

I’m not sure whether that’s common for people. I haven’t really checked that out in any real way with other people. In other words, I haven’t used the helpful skill — an “antidote” to the Cognitive Distortion of Mind-Reading — of Reality Testing.  To put it more simply, I haven’t asked other people, “When you are even slightly ill, does it affect your sense of self worth?”  I mean, I know that serious and chronic illness can definitely affect people’s sense of self-worth, but A COLD?

The reason I haven’t really checked that out  before is this:  I assume that I’m different from other people in how illness affects me, because I dealt with so much illness when I was a child.  So I just assume that I’m “weird” when it comes to that.

So tonight I’m thinking that maybe I’m “weird” —  also —  about other people’s honesty.

Because this is how I am in relationships: if I think somebody been dishonest or deliberately misleading, it has a major effect on how I relate to them.

Now, I have seen other people be very All or Nothing about Trust issues.  I’ve heard people say about themselves, “Once somebody breaks my trust, that’s it.  I can’t forgive them.”  I’ve also witnessed other people be much more “forgiving” about trust issues — including resuming a relationship when their partner has cheated on them.

I don’t know how to gauge What’s Normal or What’s Appropriate when it comes to Trust and Honesty.

I think I’m pretty rigid about the issue of honesty.

Actually, the word “rigid” is  self-judgmental.  It’s a form of labeling, one of the 13 cognitive distortions.

So I won’t use the word “rigid”, but I will say this. If somebody is dishonest or misleads me, I get really upset when I find out about that. I withdraw.  It takes me a while to trust them again.

So, how “normal” is that?

And if that’s not a useful question, then how about this question: How can I negotiate the issue of trust in a way that’s helpful for me and the people I love?

By the way, I’m writing this post during a bout of insomnia, which I alluded to in yesterday’s post, and which I am going to do something about.  (I’m not just saying that! I got the names of two sleep specialists, and I plan to start the process of contacting them tomorrow.)

But I’m not sure what to do tonight.  I woke up at 1:30 AM and had trouble getting back to sleep. I remembered reading that some sleep specialists suggest this:  if you have trouble sleeping, don’t lie awake in bed too long —  get up and do something else.

So after I had stayed awake until 2:30, I got up, left the bedroom, and started this post.

But now it’s 3:03.  And I’m not sure whether to continue with this post or to try to go back to sleep.

Because there’s a direction I could take in this post, now.  I could share something that happened to me when I was a kid, that has made Honesty so important to me.

So that’s one decision point, right now:

To share or not to share that memory?  That is the question.

Let’s say I decide to do share that memory in this post, then I have another decision point:

To write that now or later, during this 24-hour span of Day 51?  That is the second question.

Well,  I’m thinking about what would most likely help me sleep right now. (And as I’ve said in previous posts, one of my guildes for writing this blog is to ask myself the question: what would help me most right now?)

So what’s the best strategy for getting back to sleep tonight?. I’ll explore that by answering those two questions I posed above:

Question #1:  Should I share that childhood memory?

Answer: Perhaps.  And maybe soon. I HAVE written down that memory elsewhere, so I could copy a version and paste it, pretty quickly.  But that would still take time and energy, and doing that right now probably wouldn’t help contribute to getting back to sleep.

Question #2:  Should I write that now or later, in this 24-hour period?

Answer: It turned out that was too restrictive a question.  My answer is this: I won’t write about that on Day 51.

At this point in the post, it would be helpful — for me —  to tell myself this:

I have all the time that I need.

This is, I have time to write about this childhood memory, and to write more about the issue of honesty and trust.

That is, I’ll write more in future posts, and finish this post now.

Farewell, for now, and thanks for reading.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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