Day 1892: Why people respond to you the way they do

One thing I consistently relearn in this world (especially when I attend a group psychotherapy conference) is why people respond to you the way they do.

Last week in Houston, I found that people responded to me the way they did because of

• assumptions,
• memories,
• feelings, and
• the unconscious.

Here are two examples of people responding to me the way they did:

Example #1.

In a very large group, a woman sitting near me responded to everything I said with hostility, aggression, and opposition.  After the group session,  I approached her and  asked her if I had offended her in some way.  She said, “Oh no!  I’ve never done one of these large groups before. I just thought that was what you were supposed to do — argue with the person who had just spoken.”

Example #2.

In a different, much smaller group, I was the first to speak up.  A man sitting across from me seemed to respond to everything I said with some mild hostility. After about an hour, I let him know, in the group, that I was experiencing  some hostility from him and I wondered what that was about.  At first he said he wasn’t aware of being hostile towards me.  When another group member joined me by telling him she also saw the hostility towards me,   he thought about it. Then he  said, “I guess there is some hostility there. I saw you yesterday in another group where you spoke up first.  When you spoke up first here, I thought, ‘Oh, there’s Ann, doing THAT again.’  I said, “Oh!  Now I understand.  Thank you!”

I respond to the world the way I do, sometimes through pictures.

I responded to my son Aaron’s news about winning the University of Edinburgh Stand Up Comedy Championship by taking a screen shot of his award (above).  I responded to my wish to find his comedy routine on YouTube by searching  that site by his name.  YouTube responded with this video:

 

I respond to that video the way I do because I’m his mother.

Please respond to this post the way you do.

I respond the way I do, here and now,  because I’m grateful to all who helped me create today’s post and — of course! — to YOU.

 

 

Day 1159: Good enough

Yesterday, in therapy, somebody described feeling guilty about how good a friend they were to somebody else.  We discussed how we humans tend to think of ourselves as all good OR all bad — in friendship, at work, with families, etc. —  flipping back and forth between the two extreme judgments of ourselves.

I suggested that this person always think of themselves of a “good enough friend” no matter what, rather than getting caught in the trap of “all or nothing” thinking.

Is this post good enough?

It IS good enough, but I can make it better by adding all the photos I took yesterday.

It’s good enough, here and now, to let you know that last night’s therapy group chose to focus on the topic of “Happy/Happiness.”  During that group, I drew the two pictures shown directly above AND I also wrote down the lyrics of this good enough song by Pharrell Williams:

 

I hope you know that any thoughts or feelings you share here are good enough for me.

Good enough thanks to all!

 

Day 694: Oddly specific gratitude

Uh-oh.  Here I was, all ready to write a particularly judgmental post, during these Year(s) of Living Non-Judgmentally, called “Pet Peeves,” and I got tagged by blogging master Chatter Master to participate in something called “Oddly Specific Gratitude,” which has a list of instructions of how to do something right, which is one of my pet peeves, because I’m often afraid that I’ll screw things up, especially when it’s something I have’t done before.

So here goes nothing.

ODDLY SPECIFIC GRATITUDE

First, I need to share the instructions, then share oddly specific gratitudes listed by the 16 bloggers who preceded me, and then add my list of oddly specific things I’m grateful for.

I shall now share the instructions:

1. Add to the list with your own oddly specific bits of gratitude. Add as few or as many things as you’d like. Include a picture or two if you’d like… but you certainly don’t have to. Put your name at the top of the list to see where yours started and the next blogger’s begins. (Pssst!  Already I’m confused and I’m thinking there’s a good chance I will not do this correctly.)
2. Tag the post with the usual pepper tags and oddly specific gratitude. (Pssst! When I copied ChatterMaster’s post, I did get the pepper tag, but not having participated in any other pepper-y post before now, I’m thinking there’s a good chance I put that in the wrong place.)
3. Tag another pepper to add to the list by linking to their About page, but there’s a catch! When you tag the next blogger, be sure to include a bit about why you’re grateful to be in the same blogging world with them.:) (Try not to tag anyone who has already been tagged that way more people get to join in the fun.) (Pssst!  It’s Ann again, adding her two cents to this list. You can tell it’s me, because I started this with “Pssst!” and it’s in italics. Isn’t that odd that I mentioned this at the END of the list of instructions?)

The List of Oddly Specific Gratitude

Nerd in the Brain:

1. the smell of wild onions when I mow the lawn
2. coffee makers (having the coffee already prepared in the mornings is magical)
3. the way my crazy dog barks likes a vicious beast at the horses across the road, but then cowers behind me like a needy wimp whenever a horse actually comes close
4. hearing my husband talk on the phone to the rest of his team at work… it reminds me that he’s not just my silly, sweet, awesome husband… he’s also my competent, responsible, highly skilled husband
5. opening a blank lesson plan book and imagining the possibilities to come
6. sausage balls
7. watching Grace’s enthusiasm for all things musical
8. the way I can hear a smile on Olivia’s face whenever we say hello or goodbye on the phone
9. knitting with really soft, squishy yarn

Not a Punk Rocker

10. Getting a random text when Matthew is in cell-signal range. (“Hi”)
11. Awesome stuff in the mail, including Legos and letters from friends, making me smile when I need it the most at the end of a long day.
12. Cherry chapstick.
13. Somebody found my blog by searching for “deadpool talks about political social issues” yesterday.
14. Skype and chat for keeping me in touch with friends in “real-time” when one or the other of us needs it the most.
15. Finding new blogs to read and follow through this challenge!

Jackie P (tobreathistowrite)

16. Having friends like I do here in the blogging world. You all make my days brighter.
17. My dog Sam. He loves me unconditionally, wish more people could love like that. Plus, he makes me laugh daily.
18.Coffee. Without it the world would be a much sadder and thirsty place. And I would be a much harder person to deal with.
19. All the bright and cheerful colors around. Something about bright colors makes me happy. The gold of the sun, the cerulean blue of the sky, the wonder of a rainbow, they never cease to make me glad I’m alive.
20. Books…… you all know what I mean.

Fish of Gold

21. Spell check. Even though it did just strangely try to correct my horribly botched spelling of “another” to “Antoine.” I don’t even know anyone named Antoine, spell check.
22. I’m grateful to myself for being the sucker who couldn’t walk away from my dog’s cage at the animal rescue. My failure to do so has converted 70 dog pounds into a metric ton of joy and unconditional love.
23. Male’s hilariously failed attempts at sexting.
24. My sense of humor. I wouldn’t have survived this long without it.
25. To the Peppers for continuing my harebrained Nano Poblano Blog Hop Story idea and turning it into something unexpectedly awesome. Go Team Pepper
26.I also second #18.

Knocked Over by a Feather

27. My aunts Oreo truffles. They are addictive.
28. Finding my comfy spot in bed.
29. Receiving a spontaneous real hug from my daughter, which rarely happens.
30. Watching stupid TV with my husband.
31. Hearing my mom call me sweetie or something similarly saccharine sweet on the phone

Mental Mama ( Mental in the Midwest)

32. the world’s best tiny mommy
33. Evie and Sissy Cats
34. lithium, depakote, and gabapentin
35. the world’s most amazing support network
36. good dark chocolate, preferably with cherries
37. the jumbo margaritas at Romeo’s – lime, on the rocks, extra salt

Mark Bialczak

38. My dear wife Karen for buying me two season tickets for Syracuse University football six years ago, going to every game with me (but one when she went on a cruise) since and turning home game Saturdays into Happy Happy days win or lose.
39. That Ellie B aka Dogamous Pyle usually looks like this on the end of the living room couch and her specially covered ottoman daily come 10 p.m. after a day of enthusiastically ruling our Syracuse city home we call Little Bitty

40. That Karen talked me into going to the Paws for the Cause rescue dog event that March day four years ago when we saw Ellie marching around in her orange “Adopt Me” vest.
41.That my daughter Elisabeth was smart enough and confident enough and brave enough to go back to school this fall to get her associate’s degree and New York State certificate to become a physical therapist’s assistant, 2 1/2 years after getting her bachelor’s in biology.
42. That writing every day on markbialczak.com since Oct. 27, 2013 has turned out to be so much fun.
43.That Sheena Not a Punk Rocker talked me into hosting Nano Poblano this year, allowing me to meet so many interesting new bloggers! Wait. I want to add two more exclamation points to this one!!

Coulddoworse (Rachel or Lundygirl)

44. The park that I walk through four mornings a week

45. Iced fingers

46. Crochet and blogging; though never at the same time

47. making something beautiful

48. flowers

49. Hot toasted sandwiches with my family on a very rainy bank holiday.

50. beauty that you see in the detail

51. Great memories to mull over and enjoy.

Notes Tied On The Sagebrush

52. I am grateful that I was able to copy this whole list with pictures and get it pasted on to my post without messing it up at all, I hope.
53. I am grateful for my kids xoxo, and my husband xoxo
54. I am grateful to read good books, and watch good films
55. Good food, good wine and good friends
56. That I live in the state of California, USA
57. Discussions with my blogger friends and getting their support for my writing

Linda G. Hill – Life in Progress

58. That moment when I’m not aware that I’m falling asleep.
59. The one Smartie (candy-coated chocolate) that tastes slightly different than every other one in the box.
60. #18 – on this list, not the number eighteen.
61. That my children are alive.
62. Whatever it is that compels me to write; specifically to tell stories.

Idiot Writer ~ Idiot Writing :

63. Poetry (obviously) – mostly my poetry – I need it – lots to say things I cannot say any other way.
64. The Sun – when it shines in the UK.
65. The cheap chocolate bars I found! (and so do not feel guilty buying)
66. The fire-place – though I hate the smoke it emits.
67. Figuring out how to pump the tyre on my car yesterday.
68. Internet – SPEcifiCALLY – finding WordPress.
69. Saturdays – Cos I do not drive on Saturdays. Usually.
70. The sound system in my car – and my teens choice of music…it COULD have been – so so – not good.
71. I nearly forgot about SALT. Salt has so many uses! I am eternally grateful that salt – AND potatoes exist.

72. Last but not least…or rather first – EVER so, very grateful – that Linda has wine. 😛

Doobster418

I’m grateful for:

73. The 11 bloggers who came up with 72 oddly specific items for which they are grateful, leaving me to really stretch to come up with anything new or different.
74. That said, I wish to second, third, or fourth (I’ve lost count) #18. COFFEE!
75. God, the almighty creator of everything and everyone, for granting in me the wisdom to…oh damn, the devil made me write that. Never mind.
76. Those rare days when I’m able to sleep later than 6 a.m.
77. My wife, for being a wonderful mother who stayed home to raise two great kids while I was off doing my worky-thing.
78. San Francisco weather, because it never snows, never gets below freezing, and never gets really hot and muggy.
79. My health, except for my vertigo, tinnitus, and my current lameness due to plantar fisciitis. But otherwise, my health is pretty damn good.
80. My blog and the fellow bloggers I interact with on pretty much a daily basis.
81. iTunes
82. The Oxford comma and those who use it.

Lucy at the Excessive Gardener 

I am grateful for :

83. I am so grateful for Evernote. Those of us who use and cherish it know why life is so much better. I am really grateful that I spend the few dollars each month for the premium version.
84. Golden Retrievers. My Golden, Roger, died years ago and I still miss him. I live with a Golden, my roommate’s, and he is a joy and a pain to live with but he is proof that if you know one Golden Retriever, you know them all.
85. My new knee. How wonderful it is to walk without pain. I can hardly wait to have the other knee replaced.
86. The drug Avastin. The FDA withdrew approval of the chemo drug for breast cancer, which means insurance companies won’t cover it, and it is not cheap.  I was lucky and got in on clinical trials for Avastin. It saved my life.
87. That I live in Florida, right where I want to be: minutes from white, sandy beaches and warm Gulf waters and only 2 hours to Disney World.
88.  Better World Books.  If you know it, you know what I mean.
89. Quad Core.
90. Defensive gardening. There’s nothing more satisfying than out-smarting a bug or an animal.

Now my list:

91. I’ll start by saying what goes without saying but should be said anyway:  I’m grateful for my husband Mark, my family, and my friends.

92. I’m grateful that I live in the Twin Cities (Minneapolis-St. Paul) of Minnesota. We have an amazing combination of abundant cultural opportunities, a highly educated and literate population, PLUS endless amounts of parks, lakes, bike trails, you name it.  We need the horrific winters to keep out the riffraff.

93. I’m grateful for having a job that provides me opportunity for (partially) subsidized travel experiences.

94. As everyone else said, #18 (coffee!)

95. I’m grateful for books! So many books!  So many writers with so many words!  As long as I have the capacity to read, I’ll never be bored.

96. I’m grateful that my husband has the best hobby ever: in his spare time, he makes furniture out of wood in our garage.  He loves doing it and I love the furniture he makes for me.  Talk about win-win!

97.  I am grateful for the internet, which provides me with the opportunity to blog and to meet all of you amazing bloggers. I’m particularly grateful for the Nano Poblano Peppers for the sense of community y’all have been providing this month.

98. Cats! I’m grateful for my kitties Tennessee and Zelda for being such cute and cuddly pains in the butt.

Me – Who Am I

I’m grateful for:

99. Warmth! When it’s -10 outside, I’m grateful for a heater that works.
100. We made it to 100! I feel privileged to be the one who fills this one out.
101. My son. He shows me the world in a way that no one else can.
102. Fellow bloggers and the wonderful community we have here.
103. Today I’m grateful for today; a day that I may not have had.
104. Fruit. Fruit does a body good.
105. Sleep, finally! Insomnia is terrible.

Me Next – Chatter Master

106.  Not having a body temperature of 94 degrees.

107.  Fat baby cheeks that split in to super wide grins and smiles with various numbers of teeth-when they see me.

108.  That moment at the end of the day when I know I’m done “doing” all that I am going to do for the day and there are those peaceful few minutes of quiet and relaxing with my husband.

109.  Saying “I love you” at the end of phone calls and visits and not feeling awkward about it.  And knowing my kids don’t either because I raised them with it being easy to say “I love you”.

110.  Remembering a song from childhood and thinking no one else in the world knows it, only to Youtube it and there it is!

111.  People.   Good people.  I’m so very thankful for good people.

Pssst!  It’s me, Ann Koplow, from The Year(s) of Living Non-Judgmentally, trying to let go of judgment and add my list of oddly specific gratitudes, starting with #112, which is a number I have no particular associations with:

112.  Numbers and other things I have no particular associations with, since I love seeing things in a new light, letting go of baggage from the past.

113. Numbers and other things that I do have particular associations with, since I love things that have been in my life, up to this point.

114. Even though #112 and #113 cover everything in the universe (at least the way I think), I am also oddly specifically grateful for the way I think.

115.  Everybody who has ever read my blog or anybody else’s blog, which may seem oddly general instead of oddly specific, at this point.  (I’ve been in a very feisty mood lately, so I would like to see ANYBODY give me a difficult time about how I’m choosing to participate here.)

116. My cats, including Oscar, shown here moments after he accidentally accessed Siri — the alleged “personal helper” on my iPhone —  having about as much luck getting help from her as I usually do:

117. My keyboard (pictured) and my fingers (not pictured):

118. Photos I take accidentally with my iPhone, like that one directly above.

119. People I meet during the day who are willing to engage in an authentic, open way, even if only for a moment, like Kenny

who stands guardian at the parking lot where I get my medical care, where I’ve been needing to go to several appointments lately because nobody knows what the hell is going on with my health.

120.  My memory, which allows me to quote, accurately enough, dialogs I have with people like Kenny, such as:

Kenny (obviously using the memorized script he has to say to every driver who enters the parking lot since, apparently, people are parking there who shouldn’t be): Do you have an appointment here?  Are you a patient?

Me (making an exaggerated sad face, because I REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE GOING TO A MEDICAL APPOINTMENT and then nodding “yes” slowly, saying nothing).

Kenny: (after a brief pause) Oh.

Me:  Do you believe me?

Kenny: No.

… which cheered me up considerably and resulted in my Literally Laughing Out Loud.

121. My memory, which allows me to recall another thing Kenny said to me, after I Laughed Out Loud: “You have a good day, sweetie.” (Yes, I know this is supposed to be a list of Oddly Specific Gratitude, not Oddly Repetitive Gratitude, but please see #115, above.)

122. The room to have all my feelings, including sadness, humor, fear,  disappointment, annoyance, gratitude, etc. etc. etc.

123.  The opportunity to end lists (at least my portion of them)

Okay!  Let’s see what I else I have to do in this post today. Ah, yes!  I shall now express gratitude to all previous bloggers preceding me:

The List of Oddly Specific Bloggers

Nerd in the Brain
Not a Punk Rocker
To Breath is to Write
Fish of Gold
Knocked Over by a Feather
Mental in the Midwest
Markbialczak.com
Coulddoworse
Deborah at Notes Tied on the Sagebrush
Linda at Life In Progress
Idiot Writer
Mindful Digressions
The Excessive Gardener
Booking It

Me – Who Am I.

The Chatter Blog

The Year(s) of Living Non-Judgmentally

Now, I have to do one more thing, I think, to make this right (or “good enough” as I prefer to think about such things). I need to tag another blogger, which means I have to find the list of other people willing to participate in this.  Arrrghhh!  I am having a lot of trouble finding those kinds of things these days, simply because I’m dealing with too much friggin’ information lately.

Hold on …

I’m choosing (drum roll, if you’ve got a drum):

drunkonlifeblog.com

… because I’m oddly specifically grateful for that name.

Yippee!

Thanks to all for whom I’m oddly specifically grateful, which includes you, y’know.

_____________________________________

After I published this post, I realized I forgot to include something, for which I am NOT oddly specifically grateful:

Michael’s cooking. On what planet would it be odd to be grateful for that?

Day 213: Transitions, Part 2

I am about to go out on a two-week vacation from work.

This is the first time, in perhaps decades, where I have taken that much time away from a current job. (I’ve taken two weeks between jobs, but that’s different.)

I have two more days to get things at work in “good enough” shape before I leave for two whole weeks.

My urge, when I woke up this morning, was to write about transitions.

Based on what I’ve been learning about myself this year (and, also, because of my good -enough memory), I was pretty sure that I had written about the topic of transitions before I went out on my most recent, one-week vacation three months ago (in May).

I checked The Blog Archives here and, sure enough, I wrote a post called, “Transitions,” the day before I left for vacation.

Coincidence?  I think not.

Maybe, this time around, I’m writing about the same topic a day earlier because (1) my vacation, this time, will be twice as long, (2) I’m wiser about how important transitions are, and/or (3) I’m wiser about how naming any source of anxiety can help relieve it, so why wait another day?

And, by the way, it helped me, today, to read that previous post about transitions, especially these resolutions, at the end:

1. I will do the best I can today,

2. I will not be perfect in doing all the things I am supposed to do to prepare for this transition, and

3. I will be doing well for myself  (and for other people), if I can remember # 1 and #2.

So what else do I want to say, right now, that would be helpful for (1) me, definitely and (2) readers, perhaps?

These things:

1. Transitions — and change, in general — can cause anxiety.
2. Anxiety isn’t always a problem.  There is such a thing as “healthy anxiety,” which reflects excitement and hope.
3. We can learn to let go of unhelpful thoughts (including cognitive distortions) which can increase anxiety, in painful way.
4. The main unhelpful thought I would like to let go of today is: “I HAVE to take care of (fill in task) before I leave on vacation, or else people will feel (disappointed, disconnected, or otherwise dissed). (This seems to be an automatic combo-plate-of-mind-reading-and-fortune-telling thought of mine.)
5. There is no fifth thing. Four things are enough, for now.

As is my wont whilst creating these blog posts, I would like to include an audio/visual aid (for the benefit of me, definitely, and my audience, perhaps).

Today’s presentation is ….two communities of creatures (observed last night, at a local pet store):

And while those chinchillas and finches are stuck, for now, in less than ideal — and perhaps painful — ways of being, I’ve got to hope that (1) better days are ahead for them and (2) they appreciate having each other.

Thanks to creatures who are doing their best, everywhere (and you, for reading).

Day 61: Accelerated Learning (Part 2)

Okay!  Here’s another in what might be a continuing series of things I’m learning this year — at such an accelerated pace, that I’m reminded of Gary Lockwood’s character in “Where No Man Has Gone Before” from Star Trek (The Original Series).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xeEDtF0bbE

Damn!  I still can’t find a clip that shows Gary’s character learning so rapidly that he speeds through pages he’s reading, really fast. (Although the clip which I ‘ve linked to, above, does show his rapidly acquired mastery of levitating a Cup of the Future, which is probably especially tricky.)

Since I can’t show you the clip I want right now, I’m searching for a good descriptive metaphor for how quickly that Star Trek character learns new things. Like wildfire?   Like Tom Cruise flying some jet in “Top Gun”? ( I’ve never seen “Top Gun”, but that still pops up when I’m trying to think of a metaphor for speed.)  Like some political party member talking to the media about things that are wrong with the other party?

No matter what the metaphor, here’s the deal, dear reader: (1) Gary Lockwood in Star Trek learns really quickly, (2) I’m learning lots of things (although not quite as quickly as him), and (3) you can read more about all that  (with a different clip from that Star Trek episode)  here.

Without further ado, here are more things that I’ve been learning lately, although not quite as rapidly as a Scary, Too-Smart-Becoming Guy on a 60’s TV show:

1. Projecting fears and critical self-judgments onto other people really screws up a connection in the moment.
2. Fears about other people’s reactions (anger, envy, fragility) can restrict you, big time.
3. Worries about whether you’ll be able to sustain or hold on to a current situation, feeling, or thought can really get in the way of appreciating the current moment.
4. Feeling depressed seems related to focusing on regrets about the past; being anxious seems related to focusing on fears about the future.
5. It’s really difficult to calibrate and figure out How Important You Are to somebody else (or to a system or an organization).
6. Taking any action related to How Important You Are can feel very risky, because of #5, above.
7. You can often do a good enough job at a current task without access to more knowledge or the perfect tools (or the perfect clip from a TV show).
8. If you don’t have the knowledge or tools to do a job that’s good enough, you can say so, and then find out what you need to complete the task.

That’s all, for now. I hope you enjoyed reading this so much, that it went by as quickly as (fill in your favorite metaphor for speed, here).