So, yesterday, I wrote an upbeat post, where the moral of the story was, essentially:
Don’t worry, be happy.
I mean, that’s a simplistic retelling, but I believe that captures the overall tone.
Today I woke up, with worry RIGHT THERE, all through me. I felt it in my furrowed brow, in the content and tenor of my thoughts, in the pit of my stomach.
I thought, “Oh, no, not again. Will I EVER stop feeling this way?”
And I listed the reasons why I felt worried, anxious, small, vulnerable, even unsafe, in those early morning moments:
- A bank balance smaller than expected.
- A weight, on my scale, larger than expected.
- A pain in my foot, which I felt with every step.
It helped to list those reasons in my thoughts.
It REALLY helps to write them down, now.
It helps to know I have reasons to be anxious.
Those are the facts.
I am in trouble financially.
I don’t take good care of myself.
I am too vigilant.
I am not vigilant enough.
The deterioration of my body is inevitable. I should expect that the physical things I love to do (like walking) will be taken away from me.
This is what happens when I feel good about my life — things goes terribly wrong.
I had more thoughts, this morning, which involved labeling myself in unkind ways. I also lingered, for a little while, in a very helpless, scared, depressed place, inside myself.
However, I did take action.
- I talked to myself, identifying the worst fears and remembering other times when I’ve felt this way (and survived to tell the tale, obviously).
- I sent an e-mail to somebody who helps me with money.
- I put on a pair of shoes which relieved the pain.
- And, I made a disparaging remark to the scale.
Last, but not least, I started writing this blog post.
It helps to take action … no matter how small the action is.
It turns me from worrier to warrior.
And I do seem to need to fight this battle, against fear and “catastrophizing” thoughts.
I get confused about the “right things” to do, a lot.
But taking action makes a difference. It really does.
Thanks for reading, this morning.