Day 3301: Intuition

My intuition tells me to start this blog post with a definition of “intuition.”

My intuition told me to ask this question on Twitter last night:

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My intuition tells me that we could all use a laugh these days.

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My intuition tells me to blog every day and share images like these with you:

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It looks like the Daily Bitch’s intuition has not served her well.

24 years ago, my intuition told me to get tested for endocarditis (a very dangerous heart inflammation) when I was eight months pregnant and running a fever. I had never had endocarditis but, for some reason, I felt like I might have it. The doctor told me I had the flu and that was why I had the fever but “since you’re here and because of your heart, I’ll test you.” A few days later, I got a phone call, “come into the hospital immediately, you have endocarditis.” They put me on IV antibiotics for six weeks and told me, “This might make the baby deaf.” It didn’t.

After my son was born, I said to my cardiologist, “Why do you think I asked to be tested for endocarditis? There was really no logical reason for me to do that.” He said, “I think somebody up there is looking out for you.” My intuition told me that it was my late father, who had died the year before.

This is what I find on YouTube when I search for “intuition.”

My intuition tells me I will get some great comments on this post.

Thanks to all who have good intuition, including YOU.

Day 2626: No one asked for this

Yesterday, after I published my breaking news post, I discovered I had cold symptoms and a slight fever.

Worried that I might have caught the coronavirus (which no one asked for) during the week-long group therapy conference in NYC, I informed my manager and my doctors. Because of my risk factors (over 60 years old, chronic heart issues), the doctors decided they would test me for the virus if my temperature went above 100.4. Also, because I’ve gotten endocarditis (a dangerous inflammation of the heart which I also never asked for) three times in my life, I usually ask to get tested for that whenever I run a fever.

No one asked for this, but I stayed home from work, watched TV, monitored my temperature, and took photos of more breaking news which nobody asked for.

I also caught up on the Stephen Colbert shows I had missed last week. I took a photo of this …

… thinking “my next blog post will probably be titled ‘No one asked for this.'”

No one asked for the coronavirus outbreak. Also, no one asked for me to run a fever of 100.6 in the evening, which I did.

When I reported my fever to my medical team, they asked me to go to the Emergency Room, another thing I’ve never asked for. I asked if I could finish the delicious salmon dish Michael had cooked for me first.

They asked me to wear a mask to the Emergency Room. Since I didn’t have a mask, they asked me to wear a scarf around my face. I asked Michael to accompany me to the Emergency Room.

They tested me for many things, including the flu and endocarditis. I certainly didn’t ask to be admitted to the hospital overnight, but the Emergency Room doctor didn’t like my oxygen levels.

No one asked for this, but here are more photos from yesterday.

No one asked for this, but they think I might have pneumonia. Whether or not you ask for this, I’ll give you more updates in my next post.

No one asked for my gratitude, but I give it willingly, every day.

Day 2585: I don’t want to bore you

I don’t want to bore you, but yesterday morning I heard  Stevie Wonder singing about not wanting to bore you either:

Personally, I’m not bored, at all, and I wonder why so many people worry about being boring. People are SO interesting, as I hope you can see in these photos from yesterday:

I don’t want to bore you with it, but Michael cooked a new fish last night.

I don’t want to bore you with this story, but when I was in my first year at college, one of my professors told us on the first day of class that he would not remember any of our names and quoted a biology professor saying, “Whenever I remember the name of a student, I forget the name of a fish.”

I don’t want to you bore you with this, but I can’t remember the name of that new fish Michael cooked last night.

I don’t want to bore you with this, but

• I get my teeth cleaned every three months because  I got endocarditis three times in my life,
• I’m getting my teeth cleaned today,
• I haven’t gotten endocarditis for ten years,
• I’m seeing my cardiologist Dr. Deeb Salem next week about my very unusual heart, and
• I’m doing fine, even if I worry at times.

I don’t want to bore you with it, but I’m in the photo at the beginning of this post:

I don’t want to bore you by quoting more lyrics of the Stevie Wonder song but “I don’t want to bore you with it, but I love you, I love you, I love you.”

 

Day 1393: In the driver’s seat

I have gotten the go-ahead from my cardiologists to drive again, now that I have recovered sufficiently from my open heart surgery of September 21.

Now that I’m back in the driver’s seat, I have many places to go today, including:

1. Cardiac rehab at a nearby hospital, where I’ll sit and walk on different types of exercise equipment with my usual drive,
2. My dentist’s office, for a 3-month teeth cleaning (driven by  my real risk of endocarditis),
3. A Boston hospital, to surprise people who are used to being in the driver’s seat,
4. A real estate property in a nearby town within easy driving distance, where perhaps I’ll soon be driving and parking my car.

Here‘s one of my favorite in-the-driver’s-seat tunes, performed by the amazing and driving Bonnie Raitt:

 

I love my life with me and the boys — my boyfriend Michael, my son Aaron, and our kitties Oscar and Harley.

Here are some photos I was able to take yesterday because I was in the driver’s seat:

 

 

When I see a product like Chinese Szechuan Chicken-flavored potato chips, I wonder who’s in the driver’s seat over at Lay’s.

What helps you feel like you’re in the driver’s seat?

When I’m in the driver’s seat, gratitude is often sitting in the passenger’s seat beside me, so here’s a driving feeling I want to express to all those who helped me create today’s post and to you — of course! — no matter what seat you’re in right now:

Day 1304: Crystal Clear

Yesterday, one of my doctors — Dr. Laura Kogelman of Tufts Medical Center — said to me

Your lungs are crystal clear.

Dr. Kogelman  made it crystal clear during my appointment with her that

1. my pneumonia is gone,
2. my heart failure has resolved,
3. I am ready to go back to work today,
4. I am no more likely to contract pneumonia in the future than anybody else,
5. we are doing a good job preventing me from getting endocarditis (a dangerous inflammation of the heart which I’ve had three times before because of my leaky heart valve),
6. she misses seeing my wonderful dentist, Dr. Luis Del Castillo (who used to be her dentist too),
7. it’s okay for me to go to Edinburgh, Scotland in August with my son and my ex-in-laws,
8. she thinks it’s going to be “great” when I get a new mechanical valve for my heart in September, and
9. she liked the idea of my transforming my future open-heart-surgery scar with a tattoo.

I made it crystal clear to Dr. Kogelman that I did NOT like her idea of turning that scar into the medical symbol of a snake climbing a rod.  I told her, “I have plenty of medical symbols on my body already” and informed her that if I do decorate that  new scar after I get it in September, I’ll probably add some flowers and leaves.

What is crystal clear to you, here and now?

Are all of my photos from yesterday crystal clear?

Is it crystal clear to you that I made that t-shirt and that I especially like to wear it to medical appointments?

Yesterday, somebody named Jeanyne, who works at Tatte Bakery in Boston  (not pictured), made three things crystal clear to me:

1. she loved my t-shirt,
2. she wanted to own a t-shirt like that, and
3. her mother,  Diane, who recently retired, is just now starting a new business marketing cool new wearable items.

Is today’s featured music crystal clear to you ?

 

Crystal clear thanks to all those who helped me create today’s post and to you — of course! — for all your crystal clear reactions.

Day 1283: What’s wrong with me?

What’s wrong with me, that I’ve been running fevers since last Thursday?

What’s wrong with me, that they admitted me to a regular room in the hospital from the Emergency Room on Monday and then had Jean move me the next morning to a weird-looking, isolated-feeling, private room all the way down the hall?

What’s wrong with me, that they gave me one infusion of intravenous antibiotics?

What’s wrong with me that I couldn’t figure out how to make that machine stop its annoyingly loud beeping for about an hour after the infusion was complete?

What’s wrong with me that I’ve been using the game “Hangman” as a way to distract myself since I was a little kid?

What’s wrong with me that I thought I could figure out how to use the thermometer in my room by myself?

What wrong with me that I converted that result to Fahrenheit, decided I was fever free, and reported that to people I know? What’s wrong with me that I’m confessing, now, that I actually was not using that thermometer correctly and that my fever has never gone down to normal since last Thursday without the help of Tylenol?

What’s wrong with me that these friggin’ fevers won’t go away?

What’s wrong with me that I, the patient, wrote stuff on the whiteboard in my hospital room?

What’s wrong with me that they sent me down for an echocardiogram, where I was lucky enough to run into the amazingly wonderful  Eva, my favorite person who works there?

What’s wrong with me that I’m now including links (here and here) to my other blog posts that feature Eva?

What’s wrong with me that I took  these pictures of Eva’s Apple Watch?

What’s wrong with me that I sang for Eva during the echocardiogram?  What wrong with me that when I found out she also loves to sing and sings alto that I suggested we sing together some time in the future?

What’s wrong with me that I keep asking what’s wrong with me?  I should know, from my experience as a clinical social worker, that this is a much more useful question:

What’s right with me?

There must be some things right with me, because they sent me home from the hospital last night, even though my fevers haven’t gone away.  Here’s what is most likely NOT wrong with me: Endocarditis.  I’m all right with that. My doctors will call if any tests show what’s causing these fevers.

What’s the right music for this “What’s wrong with me?” post?

Thanks to Eva,  Miss Peggy Lee, all the other people who helped me make this post right, and thanks to you — of course! — for reading it.

Day 1279: Care

Yesterday, I saw this

at a hospital where I receive good care.

After I took that photo, I saw a doctor new to me who took care to

1. order blood cultures to rule out endocarditis as the reason for the fevers I’ve been running,
2. call the garage where I had parked my car because I had carelessly left my wallet at home,
3. tell me that she would have hospitalized anybody else with my medical history, but she trusted I would take care to return if my symptoms got worse, and
4. inform the doctors on call over the weekend about my situation,  so they could contribute to my care.

I took care to email my caring and careful cardiologist, Dr. Salem,  about my running a fever and getting tested for endocarditis.  Even though he’s on vacation and away from the hospital for a couple of weeks, Dr. Salem  cared enough to quickly send me this reply:

Yikes.

It’s amazing how a one-word email can communicate care.

After I got home, I took care to get lots of sleep and keep track of my fevers. A nurse from the hospital cared to call and inform me that one preliminary result looked encouraging.  We particularly care about the results from the blood cultures, which will probably come through today.

Here are the other photos I cared to take yesterday:

 

Would you care to say which photo best represents  “Care” to you?

If you care, here‘s a song I cared to perform at work on Thursday about our new caring service called “Quick Response,” available four days each week.

Thanks for caring!

Day 545: Embracing the shadows

This past week, I’ve been dealing with some shadows.

Of course, we all deal with shadows, like these:

    

If the sun — or another source of light — is shining, shadows are going to be part of the picture, somehow.

This past week, I’ve been dealing with lots of different shadows, including:

• the shadows of envy,
• the shadows of disappointment,
• the shadows of annoyance/anger, and (most especially)
• the shadows of fear.

These shadows have been within me and, I think, within others, too. However, I only know my own experience.

So, keeping the focus on what I DO know, I know it helps me to recognize and embrace the shadows that are there.

I could give you several examples of that, from this past week. For instance, as the week went on, I became more aware that I’m afraid to go to the dentist, this Wednesday.

I’m afraid to go to the dentist, this Wednesday, because

• I am prone to a heart infection called endocarditis (and have gotten it several times before),
• In order to prevent that, I have been receiving intravenous (also called “drip”) antibiotics, right before a dental appointment, for several years,
• My team of doctors recommended that I switch, for this next cleaning, to oral antibiotics, because that would probably do as good a job and, in ways, would be better for me,
• Nobody knows, for sure, why I get (or don’t get) endocarditis, and
• While I trust my doctors very much, they are not psychics, and if somebody gets endocarditis … it’s going to be me.

Last week, as the dental appointment got closer, I found myself experiencing shadow-y reactions and feelings, in response to different people and situations. And I kept losing track of why that was.

When I was at work last week, I kept the door to my office closed, all the time. Since my usual style is to keep my door open when I’m not seeing patients, that felt weird. Unbalanced. Like I was hiding.

Each time I took a breath and looked more closely at my inner shadows, I was able recognize the biggest one: the fear of going to the dentist and, as a result, perhaps putting my life in danger.

That, my friends, felt very dark.

This all may sound overly dramatic. This may be an example of the very human cognitive distortion of catastrophizing.  But there were reasons I was having these thoughts (as there always are).

When shadows are all around, I know what helps. It helps me to

1. shine a light on the problem and
2. share it with other people.

So, on Friday, I wrote an email to my team of doctors, which included this:

Hi, fabulous team,

So, Dr. Kogelman and I, at our last meeting, decided to shift from 3 to 4 months between teeth cleanings and also from IV to oral antibiotics.

Now that the time is approaching for my teeth cleaning, at Dr. Del Castillo’s practice next week, I’m feeling a tad … anxious. Perhaps because of the two changes in the protocol. Perhaps because I still don’t completely understand why I’ve come down with endocarditis all the times I have before.

So this is just an anxiety-reduction email to my team, to get some reassurance.

As soon as I sent it, I immediately got an automated message that my chief cardiologist, Dr. Deeb Salem, was away from the hospital, and not returning for another week. Knowing Dr. Salem, I wasn’t surprised when I soon got this email, from him:

Ann
There is nothing wrong with being anxious–keeps all of us rightly alert
Deeb

I wrote back, to Dr. Salem:

It keeps you alert, even when you’re away from the hospital!

Are YOU anxious, at all, about this plan?

If the answer is no, no need to answer this email. I will see you soon (as a matter of fact, I’ll schedule something today).

Ann

 I didn’t hear back from Dr. Salem (which is a good sign). Also, I got too busy at work to follow through on my promise about scheduling a cardiology appointment with him.  We might call that procrastination, or avoidance, on my part. Or we might just say, “Hey!  Give me a friggin’ break!  I’ll make the appointment next week!”

Later, I got an email from Dr. Kogelman, who is my medical team’s endocarditis expert, which included this:

Ann If you would feel more comfortable only changing one thing at a time, I have no problem with continuing the pre-procedure IV antibiotics.  I was trying to switch to the PO just to make things a little easier for you.  I do think either the PO or the IV would work fine, but if you want to just switch the schedule for cleanings first, try that for say a year, and if all goes well, then switch to PO, that is totally reasonable. Just let me know so I can work with Kerri to set this up.

Kerri is my IV nurse, who has appeared before in this blog:

When Dr. Kogelman and I agreed, a couple of months ago, about switching from IV antibiotics to oral ones, I said, “Here’s my one regret. I’m really going to miss Kerri.” Dr. Kogelman replied, “I’m sure you can figure out a way to still see her.”

When I got Dr. Kogelman’s email, I realized that the decision was up to me. I like being an adult, being treated like one, and making my own decisions, but …. there are shadows to all that, too.

What would you do, in this situation, if you were me? How would you assess the risks, balance the familiar with the new, embrace all the shadows,  and make a choice?

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.

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Time’s up!  I’ll tell you what I decided, by showing you what I sent back to Dr. Kogelman this morning:

Hi Dr. Kogelman,

Thanks for this great email.

This is what I’ve decided:

(1) If you can book me for an IV at 12 noon this Wednesday, July 2, let’s do that.  (My dental appointment is at 1:15). That would be my preference, at this point.

(2) If that is not possible, please call in an Rx for Avelox to my pharmacy.

All the best,

Ann

Here’s what I’m noticing about that: I expressed a preference, accepted both possibilities, and left some room for luck, too.

Thanks to shadow-makers everywhere, Dr. Salem, Dr. Kogelman, Kerri (who I may or may not see on Wednesday), everybody on my team, and to you — of course! — for the shadows and light you bring today.

Day 467: Fevered plans

Because I’m at risk for endocarditis (and have had it three times since 1998, but with no damage to my heart, because we’ve caught it really early, each time), my doctors and I have devised a very cautious plan:

Whenever I run a fever, I shall go to the Emergency Department  to get tested, to make sure I do not have endocarditis.

That’s the plan.  It works very well, too, because I almost never run a fever.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been running a fever.

At times like this, I can see flaws in this plan.

Have I gone to the Emergency Department? Not yet.

I don’t feel like going!  I have a fever!  And it’s most likely NOT endocarditis. I mean, everybody knows there’s been something going around: a flu, a virus, whatever.  My supervisor at work was really sick with it, a week or so ago.  She ran a high fever for a couple of days.

So those facts would argue for my not going to the Emergency Department to get tested.

However, the first time I decided get tested for endocarditis, when I was 7 months pregnant with my son, I also had some kind of flu or virus. But I had a really funny feeling and I called Dr. Salem, my cardiologist, and said, “I want to get tested for endocarditis.”  And Dr. Salem said, “Better safe than sorry.”

The doctor doing the testing said, “You don’t have endocarditis. You have the flu. But since you’re here, let’s test you.”

And I had endocarditis.

I remember talking to Dr. Salem, afterwards:  “Wasn’t that weird that I asked to get tested?  You know, there really was no reason for that.  I’d never had it before, plus I had the flu and I knew it. How do you explain that?”  And he said, ” I think somebody was looking out for you.”

And I thought of my father, who had died less than a year before that.

Does this make any sense?  I can’t tell. I’m running a fever.

Also, I’ve told this story before, here, when I wasn’t running a fever.

Anyway, back to the present.  My Primary Care Physician knows what I’m doing (or not doing) right now.  She wrote me an email yesterday:

Okay….well there is definitely something going around.  Please promise to go to the ED if you start to feel poorly or continue to have a fever or feel like you have endocarditis.

I promised.  And based on that,  I think I’ll be going to the Emergency Department at some point during this beautiful April weekend, just to be safe.

After all, when you make a plan, it’s usually good to stick to it. Second guessing can be quite painful.

To end this fevered post, here’s something else that looks out for me:

And let’s include some music here, too.

(Peggy Lee performing “Fever”posted by Gareth Miller here on YouTube)

Thanks to everybody who has ever looked out for me, to Peggy Lee, and to you — of course! — for visiting today.

Day 206: Letting Go

When I do my therapy groups, I always start the group with a mindfulness exercise.

When somebody new joins the group, I always acknowledge, honor, and celebrate that by doing a particular mindfulness exercise.

In this mindfulness exercise, I ask people to focus on their breath (a very common focus for a mindfulness exercise).

I invite them to observe, just notice, the breath. They don’t need to change the breath, in any way.

I also invite them to do the following: Breathe in something they would like to take in more of — from the room or from the universe. And breathe out something like they would like to let go of.

Because examples help explain things (especially something new), I always predict how I might do this mindfulness exercise.

I say something like this: “I don’t know what I’m going to breathe in and breathe out, but I’m going to make a prediction. I might breathe in gratitude for all of you being here, and I might breathe out any anxiety about doing something new, because every group is new.” (Other things I’ve predicted  I’m going to breathe in during this mindfulness exercise: hope, connection, and the awareness of each moment. Other things I’ve predicted I’m going to breathe out:  distraction, fear, and anything that gets in the way of my being in the moment.)

I really like this mindfulness exercise.  Even if I’m too distracted to focus very well, even if my mind wanders a lot (because that’s what minds tend to do), it helps to just allow for the possibility of — to make some space for — breathing in something helpful and breathing out something that gets in the way.

Yesterday, when I did one of these groups, there was somebody new there. (And, as I wrote about yesterday, somebody was missing, too, for a very good reason.)

So, because somebody new was joining the group,  I did that mindfulness exercise.

And, as often happens when I do that exercise,  I breathed in gratitude and I let go of …. anxiety.

I had a good reason to be anxious yesterday.

Doing something new is always a “good reason” for increased anxiety.

Here were some of the new things I did yesterday:

1. I facilitated a therapy group, with a new mix of people
2. I needed to get my 3-month teeth cleaning and I had to go to a new place to get the Intravenous antibiotics I require whenever I get my teeth cleaned.
3. I went to a new dental hygienist, to get the teeth cleaning.

Probably some explanation would be helpful, right now, especially regarding #2 and especially for people who don’t know me and/or haven’t read every friggin’ blog post I’ve written this year.

I have a Very Unusual Heart. My VUH is prone to endocarditis (which is an infection of the lining of the heart).  (I wrote about this in detail, on Day 65, when I thought I might have endocarditis again.) Since I’ve gotten endocarditis three times so far in my life, my doctors and I came up with this plan: I will have my teeth cleaned every three months and I will receive an intravenous dose of antibiotics before each cleaning.

This is routine for me, now.

However, many things about this process were new, yesterday.

Some of these things were new because of a change I had chosen –  to go to a new dental hygienist, who works with my wonderful dentist, whom I wrote about here.

That’s my dentist, Dr. Luis Del Castillo (in a photo I took on April 13). (I didn’t take a picture of my new dental hygienist yesterday. Perhaps that’s because I was too ….. anxious?)

Some of the new things I encountered yesterday were due to changes beyond my control.

That’s my beloved IV nurse, Kerri. She left her position a couple of months ago — eeeek! — but, thank goodness, moved to another place within the same hospital, so  I could still work with her — Yay! (By the way, that picture was taken four months ago, at the old location. I didn’t take a picture of her at the new location yesterday.  Any guesses why that might be?)

Yesterday, I was breathing out and letting go of anxiety, every step of the way, as I encountered new things during this process of getting my teeth cleaned, this process of not getting endocarditis, this process of staying healthy and alive.

And when I’m doing something new (and when the possibilities of illness — and death — are more in my consciousness), I definitely have more anxiety to breathe out.

My new dental hygienist (not pictured), named Michel, said a lot of things to me yesterday as she was cleaning my teeth. I didn’t say much because, well, she was cleaning my teeth.

Here are some of the things she said to me yesterday that are sticking in my mind, right now:

1. “I don’t expect you to trust me immediately. You are just meeting me.”
2. “It’s very important to trust your dental hygienist. It’s a relationship. It’s especially important for YOU to be able to trust your dental hygienist.
3. “Let me tell you all the reasons why you won’t get endocarditis by getting your teeth cleaned here.” *
4. “With your history, I would expect that sometimes you might obsess about keeping your teeth perfectly cleaned and other time you wouldn’t want to deal with it, at all.”
5. “Let me know if you are uncomfortable, for any reason, at any moment.
6. “A lot of people cry here. “

She said that last thing, when — in response to her understanding and empathy — I let go, in a rush of tears.

I never cried with my old dental hygienist. That might be a reason why I left, and found a new one.

That concludes this blog post for today.

Thanks to Michel, Dr. Del Castillo, and Kerri; to everybody who has ever helped me stay healthy; and to you, too, for reading today.

______________________________________

* A teeth cleaning at the dentist is the leading cause of endocarditis, for people who are prone to it.