Some people believe that depression is anger directed at the self. I am trying to avoid depression, here and now, by expressing my anger in this blog.
I have anger about
my country’s inability to ban assault weapons,
the erosion of the truth in public discourse,
systemic injustices towards marginalized people,
passive aggressiveness and other gaslighting behaviors, and
the intermittent, loud knocking in the walls when we use our new shower, which the plumber says can’t be fixed without tearing down walls.
Now that I’ve named those causes of my anger, I can think about what I can and can’t do to mitigate them (which helps me, at least).
Do you see anger in any of my images for today?
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I get angry when I see “Texas Loves the Children Day” and think about the children in Texas killed by gun violence, but I’m not angry about this description:
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Here’s what I find on YouTube when I search for “anger”:
I appreciate that talk about anger, especially this comparison of anger to a child: you don’t want to let it drive the car, but you also don’t want to stuff it in the trunk.
Thanks to those who help me accept and express anger and all my other feelings, including YOU!
Here comes a photo of the socks I wore to work yesterday:
Here comes an exercise we took the trouble to do in last night’s Coping and Healing group:
Here comes more explanation of that exercise — somebody in the group said that listing three positive things about themselves every day helped reduce symptoms of troubling depression and self-judgment. I thought it would be good for each of us in the group to take the trouble to create that kind of list. Despite past troubles bragging about myself, I decided to list more than three positive things about myself and I encouraged the other group participants to do the same for themselves, recognizing that many people have trouble acknowledging positive things, especially when they are depressed. I had a little trouble listing eight positive things about myself because of the messages about modesty in my family of origin. However, I also went to the trouble of “stealing” the positive things other people said about themselves, if those applied to me also.
Here comes my suggestion for you: please take the trouble to list three or more positive things about yourself in the comments section below.
Here comes the rest of my photos from yesterday.
Here comes troubling news : acclaimed songwriter/musician/poet David Berman — who struggled with depression and substance abuse — died this week at age 52.
No matter what trouble comes — including darkness and cold — the best we can do is to keep coming together.
Here comes my gratitude for all who help me create these daily posts and for you — of course! — for taking the trouble to read them.
If I were to use a time machine and travel back to yesterday, I would see these on the board in my office:
If I used Time Machine #1 to actually travel into the past, perhaps I could take some art lessons and draw better time machines.
If you had time-traveled to that therapy session in my office yesterday, you would have heard this:
We all time travel, through our thoughts, into the future and into the past. Those of us who over-use the time machine that goes into the future tend to experience worry and anxiety. People experiencing depression have a time machine that travels a lot into the past with regret, guilt, and self-judgment.
I’m now getting into time machine #2 to travel a short distance into the future, wondering what people will think about my theory of time machines.
Traveling into the past — by just one day, again — I am hearing my boyfriend Michael say:
When I was quitting smoking and I felt like having a cigarette, I would time travel ten minutes into the future and pretend I had just had one. I realized I would be in the same place with or without a cigarette, so why not skip the step of smoking it?
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While I often recommend that people set their personal time machines to “The Present,” let’s set Time Machine #1 to Monday, July 27, 2015, for a brief visit:
As I’m looking at that bunny from the recent past, here and now, I’m thinking:
I wonder if bunnies and other animals time-travel in their minds, like humans do?
What number of life-span years would I have given to a bunny, if I had managed to draw one (instead of just a giant tortoise and a human being) in that pictorial representation of animal life-spans I retrieved yesterday, time-traveling into my memory of a children’s encyclopedia from the early 1960s?
If you time travel into the Internet (like I just did, 5 minutes ago) you’ll find that my memory of the life span of a giant tortoise was off, by a factor of two.
I believe I’m time traveling a lot, lately, because I’m helping to plan my 45th high school reunion. I won’t time travel two months into the future to imagine that reunion; it will get here, soon enough.
Have any of my readers time traveled into the future to predict what time travel music I might retrieve from time-traveling YouTube?
Traveling 10 minutes into the future, I think there will be music, and a smile.
Timely thanks to Michael, Clara Darko, bunnies, giant tortoises, human beings who time travel, all the movies and characters appearing in “The Time Traveler’s Guide” and you — of course! — for traveling here, today.
I think, within the last 283 days, I wrote another blog post about this:
We never know how we affect people
However, I can’t locate that post right now.
But that’s not really important. Here’s what I wanted to write about, today.
Many years ago, I was driving alone at night, feeling low and discouraged about something.
I can’t remember what the hell I was feeling bad about, now. (Isn’t that usually the way it works? Problems that seem so important at the time often fade away, as time passes, to nothing.)
I remember I was about to exit a supermarket parking lot, and I was waiting for a pedestrian to walk by.
I remember that pedestrian, quite well. I wish I had a picture of him that I could share with you.
But I don’t.
Let’s see if I can capture and convey the experience to you.
I think the guy was wearing something unusual. I don’t have a great visual memory, so I can’t tell you what kind of clothing he had. But I think it was casual. Maybe it was colorful.
He wasn’t a serious, conventional business person. I know that. He looked like a “free spirit.” Again, my visual memory, for details, is fuzzy.
Here’s what I do remember clearly. As he crossed in front of my car, he caught my eye.
And without missing a beat, he made a “Ta-Da!” gesture. That is, he stopped, smiled, put his arms out, and maybe even jumped a little, as if he was hearing, or making, a silent, triumphant trumpet noise.
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(Just for fun, I’m going to Google-Image “Ta Da Pose” and see what I get. Amazing! Here’s the first thing that comes up:
Here’s another one, with eye contact:
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That night, after the guy struck that Ta Da Pose ever-so-briefly, he moved on.
I remember smiling back, then. Maybe I even laughed a little. (I’m not sure, because I was, after all, feeling very down.)
But I do remember this: I drove away, after this brief encounter, feeling changed. Feeling better.
And to this day, when I am walking down the street, feeling and showing joy, I often think about that guy I met, many years ago.
He made a difference to me.
And who knows? Maybe I sometimes make a difference like that, too.
Thanks to that guy, Endorphin Dude, pose-strikers everywhere, and to you, of course, for reading today.
I started this blog post, last night, around 1:15 AM:
So I’m going on a great trip, starting at 9:30 PM tonight, with my wonderful 15-year-old son.
Things are going well at work.
I’ve been enjoying writing this blog.
I feel like I’m learning a lot, every day.
I’ve prepared enough for this trip, definitely.
So what’s the problem?
Why am I anxious, fearful, wanting to hide, and irritated? Why am I focusing on worst case scenarios? Why am I feeling overwhelmed by decisions I need to make about packing and so on, when I know there is no right or wrong decision, and it’s all solvable?
It doesn’t make sense.
Although I usually believe that everything makes sense, on some level.
And, as I’ve heard lots of people say, in similar situations, “I don’t like when I’m feeling this way. I SHOULDN’T be feeling this way. I should be happy.”
Well, maybe I could try this: just be with the feelings.
Be pissed off and irritated, for no reason.
Be anxious and fretful, for no reason.
Instead of trying to overcome those uncomfortable feelings with positive re-thinking, maybe I could just be irrationally and unreasonably cranky, right now.
Okay, I’ll give myself an assignment: to have all those feelings I feel uncomfortable with right now:
Frustration
Fear
Then, I put my laptop aside, and was able to fall asleep. (Yay!)
Then, about an hour later, I woke up and text-messaged (!) my bf, who was downstairs:
“Hi Michael!”
I didn’t know if he would see the message, but I guess he did, because he came upstairs and we had an amazing talk about topics including childhood experiences, guilt, depression, and people we knew who had tried to commit suicide (and one who had succeeded). That might sound like an awful conversation to have at that particular time, when my hope was to fall back asleep and feel refreshed and ready for the rest of my trip preparations. But the conversation also included another topic. Love. So it was awe-ful, in a different way.
After the conversation, I cried. Hard.
It all helped. And I fell back asleep.
Now it’s morning. And there are several things I have to do, including bringing my car into my mechanic for some unexpected, major work.
So what is it that I would like to write this morning, before I end this blog post?
Maybe this:
I am afraid of flying.
Actually, as an old friend pointed out to me a long time ago, regarding my fear of heights: “Ann, you’re not afraid of heights. You’re afraid of dying.”
He was right.
Every time I’m going to fly, my busy human mind goes lots of places (as human minds do). And my mind goes to the possibility that the plane will crash. Which affects my mood. Which increases my anxiety.
And which makes me feel like I need to get everything done, now, because what if I’m gone, tomorrow?
While living each day like it could be your last (something I’m pretty good at, with good reason) has an up side, for sure…
Like most things, it has a down side, too.
Before I close, I wanted to introduce you to a stranger I met yesterday.
I was walking around Harvard Square, in Cambridge, getting some foreign currency, playing with my travel anxieties by “rehearsing” various travel-y things, and pretending that I’d never been to Harvard Square before, when I walked by this guy:
I was distracted by lots of things, so it took me a moment to take that in. When I did, I stopped, took out a dollar, and came back. I told this guy, “I used to be in advertising, and that’s the best ad I’ve seen in MONTHS.” Then, we had a great little conversation, where I ended up telling him that I was nervous about flying. He said, “Oh! I understand! But you know what? Flying is the safest mode of travel.” And he told me that he knew what he was talking about, because he used to work for Delta Airlines.
And as we were having our conversation, several more people stopped, said something appreciative to him, and put money in his cup.
He also told me that he had several other signs he used. He recited them all, with pride. I asked, “Which one does the best for you?” And he gave me the answer I expected, “This one.”
Then, before I bid this gentleman adieu, I took his picture, told him I’d like to put him in my blog, and asked him his name.
“Caspar,” he said. “Like the friendly ghost.”
I like thinking that ghosts are friendly.
Thanks to Caspar, friendly creatures everywhere, and — of course! — you, for reading today. Here’s hoping I’ll be continuing this blog, daily, on my travels with my son.
“So What?” is an amazing tune by Miles Davis, which I’ve loved (and played on the piano) since I was 16 years old.
Your ears and eyes might tell you how “simple” that tune is. Yet, I’ve listened to it countless times. And I expect to keep listening, as long as my ears hold out.
“So What?” Take Two.
“So what?” is something I say to myself when I’m feeling discouraged, down, depressed, disenchanted, and other words that begin with the letter “d”.
As in, “So what if I do (or think, say, write, or feel) this, or anything else? What does it matter, ultimately? What can it really change? Who cares?”
“So What?” Take Three.
“So what?” is something I can say to myself in a freeing, liberating way, to get myself unstuck.
It’s actually one of my favorite ways to challenge cognitive distortions (which are unhelpful and automatic thoughts):
The So What? Technique. Consider that an anxiety-producing possibility (even the worst case scenario) might not be as bad as you fear. For example, “So what if this one person doesn’t like me? Not everybody is going to like me.” or “So what if I lose my cell phone? It’ll be an incredible hassle, but I’ll be able to deal with it.”
See here for a complete list of handy-dandy antidotes to cognitive distortions.
When I wrote that description above, I used the example of losing my cell phone, because I was feeling anxious about losing things. (See here for a post about THAT.) Since then, I’ve lost many things, including my credit card and checkbook (some temporarily, some not), but I haven’t lost my cell phone. Yet.
If I do, I’ll just use that antidote.
It’s a very simple remedy. It’s one that I’ve used many times before. And I expect to keep using it, as long as unhelpful thoughts hold out.
“So What?” Final Take
Here’s something my mother used to say:
“So what? Sew buttons.”
Thanks for reading today. (So what if you did?) (Sew buttons.)
It’s difficult for me to see the positive right now.
My fears, disappointments, “failures,” and — hardest of all — existential isolation are in the foreground.
Hope — which puts the Joie in Joie de Vivre — is hiding.
It’s a beautiful day outside, but I don’t want to go out there.
I know there are reasons behind that negativity switch: recent stressful events and disappointments over the last week or so. I’ve definitely been “fire-fighting” a lot. For example, my son got suddenly ill and needed to hospitalized (he’s all better!!), my big presentation got cancelled, and there have been other challenges, too. Maybe I’m having a hangover from all those emotions coursing through my body: fear, relief, disappointment, anger, love, etc. etc.
Maybe I just need to get outside.
Maybe I just need some water. Or some friggin’ food.
On Mother’s Day last month, there was a point that I was getting cranky and annoyed. My bf and I were starting to squabble about something. My son turned to my bf and said, “She just needs some food. Get her some food.”
While I fancy myself a complicated and intricate organism, formed by a rich, varied, and sometimes painful past, exquisitely attuned to the internal and external inputs of life on multiple levels …
I knew he was right. I ate something and felt much better.
I think I’ll go get a spinach breakfast wrap at Starbucks.
When I orient a new person to my therapy groups, I do a 30-second speech about The Group Experience, which goes something like this:
One of the most healing things about working with a group is realizing that you are not alone in having certain thoughts and feelings. There will also be times when you’ll realize you’re the only one who has had your unique experience. When that happens, know that you are not alone with that, either.
Because I’ve been experiencing disappointment — in myself and in others — I’ve been feeling alone and isolated lately, even while surrounded by other people.
My thoughts have turned negative. Challenges and obstacles seem overwhelming.
I’m thinking:
Why bother? This is too hard. I’d like to think that what I’m doing and what I have to offer matters, but — ultimately — it doesn’t. People let me down. I let other people down. I’m tired of trying, with so few results. Other people seem to have it easier. Other people don’t really care. Even if they did care, they can’t help me in any real way.
I’m alone in this. And it feels like it’s too much for me.
When other people express thoughts like those to me, there are lots of ways I respond back.
Sometimes, I just listen.
Sometimes, I point out “cognitive distortions” in that kind of thinking (such as fortune telling, mind reading, comparisons, all-or-nothing thinking, etc.).
Sometimes, I reflect back how it makes sense that the person is feeling depleted, less hopeful, discouraged, and disappointed — because of stressful external realities as well as the person’s internal memories, assumptions, and experiences. (And I do have several stressful things I’m dealing with right now, including creating and presenting a new workshop this weekend at a conference for “experts”, which intimidates me.)
Sometimes, I just try to make it safe enough for the person to have all their feelings when they are in a difficult, darker place.
I guess that’s the best we can do, sometimes, for ourselves and others. And to know that even when we feel most alone, we are in the presence of others.
The Cognitive Distortion Du Jour, dear readers, for this blog post is …..
Labeling.
Here’s the definition of Labeling (from the list of distortions I’ve posted, here).
13. Labeling or Name-calling.
We generate negative global judgments based on little evidence. Instead of accepting errors as inevitable, we attach an unhealthy label to ourselves or others. For example, you make a mistake and call yourself a “loser,” a “failure”, or an “idiot.” Labels are not only self-defeating, they are irrational, simplistic, and untrue. Human beings are complex and fallible, and in truth cannot be reduced to a label. Consider this: we all breathe, but would it make sense to refer to ourselves as “Breathers”?
This is a misery-causing distortion that I see all the time– in the people I treat (as a therapist), in the people I love, and (of course) in myself.
Here’s a way to challenge labeling (from this list of “antidotes”):
Examine the Evidence. Instead of assuming your negative thought is true, look at the evidence. For example, if you think “I never do anything right,” list some things you do well.
Let’s see if I can use this, to challenge a label I’ve applied to myself.
Here are labels I use — names I call myself — when I make a mistake.
Stupid. Idiot.
Let me examine the evidence.
I do have some evidence to challenge that, for sure. Actually, when I said to my bf a couple of weeks ago, “You know … maybe I am a smart person,” he replied, “Ann, if you, of all people, aren’t sure about that, I don’t know what else to say to you.”
He was referring to some pretty convincing data: That is, I did well in school. And I went to a really prestigious college.
And I’ve been trying to gather more evidence to challenge those judgmental, critical labels. For example, people sometimes use the word “smart” and “wise” when they describe me. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that a person I think is really smart calls me “brilliant” when talking about me. (This amazed me, but I took it in.)
I’m examining the evidence and it looks good.
You know what, though? All that evidence, no matter how good, doesn’t matter when I’m feeling depressed or, sometimes, just when I make a mistake. Then, the evidence … Poof! … disappears.
I’m “brilliant” enough, during those times, to make the case that I’m stupid, an idiot, or simply not smart enough, with “reasoning” like this:
I used to be smart when I was a younger, but I’m not smart any more.
I’m a “book” kind of smart. That doesn’t help me survive in this world.
I got into that prestigious college mostly because the admissions people knew about my heart condition and hospitalizations, and because my cardiologist’s family had some “pull.”
If I was smart, I would feel smart!
How can I call myself smart when I see people all around me who are smarter?
People seem to talk to me like I’m stupid, a lot of the time.
Look at all the friggin’ mistakes I make, every day!
Arrrghhh!
Well, I’m working on letting go of those kinds of thoughts, people.
Here are more “antidotes” that help with that, from my handy-dandy list:
List the positives. To deal with the tendency to focus on the negative, make lists of good things that are happening, good things about yourself, and things that you are accomplishing (even little things). Focus on what you ARE doing, rather than on what you’re NOT doing.
Challenge Labels. If you label yourself negatively, such as “a fool” or “a loser,” remind yourself that such absolute terms are subjective and meaningless, and that human beings are too complex to be reduced that simplistically. Also, consider the possibility that somebody else may have given you that idea about yourself, and that they were wrong.
Reality testing. Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and concerns are realistic or true. This is a particularly effective response to the distortion of mind-reading.
Okay, people, thanks for staying with me, so far. At this point, I’m going to take a break for a walk (it’s a beautiful day — Memorial Day, here in the Northeast U.S.).
Intermission (for a walk on a beautiful day).
I’m baaaaack! And I want to finish this post up pretty quickly, so I can visit for a little while with my downstairs neighbor, Karen. (I’m very lucky she lives here.)
I thought about this post, on my walk. And I noticed that I was …. challenging labels.
For example, in the past, if I had to label what kind of photographer I am, I would probably have said, “an okay one.” I probably wouldn’t have used the word “good.” Why not? Usually, I’m very aware of all the reasons why I’m not good photographer (e.g., I often get my thumb in the picture, I’ve never been trained, I was “terrible” at art classes in school, and, in general, my natural talents seem to land more in the area of sound than sight).
However, last week, my friend Krystal posted this comment on Facebook, in response to one of my Provincetown photos.
“Ann! You are a great photographer!”
What? “GREAT ….. photographer?”
Even though that label was new and unexpected, I let that new evidence in. That is, somebody I respect thinks I’m a great photographer! Yippeee!
And that helped me feel even happier today as I took these photos, during my walk.
Challenging Labels, on a Memorial Day Walk
A short photo essay, by Ann
That’s a baby rabbit, people … in the morning! I almost walked by it. It was very small and very still.
I was especially delighted and surprised, since we usually see rabbits at dusk. That’s because rabbits (and cats) are crepuscular — a “label” I first heard recently, thanks to my bf, which means “active at dusk and dawn.”
And I guess I must be smart, because I remembered the frggin’ word today, and how to spell it.
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I saw this tree when the song “Lush Life” was playing on my iPhone. I couldn’t capture how beautiful it was, but I tried, a couple of times.
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By the way, Krystal posted something else on Facebook, after she read my Provincetown blog post:
“Ann! You’re a great photojournalist!”
That was echoing in my head today, too, which helped me take these photos.
I liked the balance of beauty, there. And here ….
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Okay. One last thing I noticed, on my walk, which helped me challenge another, old thought:
“Purple and red do NOT look good together.”
That’s obviously not true.
And look what I’m wearing, right now:
Purple and red look good together, even on me! (See here for more about that t-shirt.)
Thanks to my neighbor, Karen, for taking that last picture. I needed a little help from my friends, today, to do this blog post. Special thanks to Krystal.
I’ve often blogged here about cognitive distortions,including mind-reading, fortune-telling, comparisons, and negative filter. (Here’s a list of all thirteen cognitive distortions.)
I’ve also been working on a list of antidotes or remedies, to help break the habit of cognitive distortions.
Here’s the antidote I wanted to focus on, today:
The “In Case of Emergency, Break Glass” Technique. Prepare for the possibility that when you are feeling at your worst, coping strategies and solutions might be difficult to remember. Write down a couple of things that might be helpful to remember when you are feeling bad, and put that in a special place. Also, consider telling somebody else about these “emergency messages,” so they can remind you.
I’ve got my own message I would like to remember, in case of emergency. When I’m feeling down, depressed, hopeless, discouraged, self-critical, or self doubting, I wish I could remember this: I will come through the bad time, with gifts I can use.
However, I can never remember that message, when I’m down. Never! It’s like a spell is cast, that affects my memory. When I’m feeling hopeless or powerless — because of disappointment or shame — my belief is some form of this:
I suck and/or life sucks.
That’s what cognitive distortions do, in a nutshell. They present Sucky-ness of Self and Existence, as The Truth.
But, it’s not The Truth. It’s just a belief, a thought, a temporary state of mind.
Each time, though, when I descend into a State of Ultimate Sucky-ness, I simply cannot remember anything else. My Emergency Message is beyond me.
So, in order to try my “In Case of Emergency, Break Glass” antidote, I’ve been scoping out a special place to place my helpful Message to Self.
About a month ago, I got this box, with a hidden compartment. I thought I’d place my message there.
However, since I so easily lose sight of the message, I decided I needed a receptacle that was a lot less subtle.
So on my vacation, I bought this:
That’s a lot harder to miss.
I’ve printed out this version of The Message:
When you are feeling, hopeless, powerless, selfish, foolish, disappointed or otherwise bad about yourself and your situation, remember this:
You will come out of this. And you will have ideas about ways to move forward.
I’ve placed that message in the box:
Now my box, with message inside, is sitting on the mantle:
I hope I remember it’s there, the next time I need it.
I’ll keep you posted.
Thanks for reading, everybody. (And feel free to post what “emergency message” you might leave for yourself.)
The Year(s) of Living Non-Judgmentally 