Ann’s Ambivalence and Associations
Yesterday — in Day 449: Variations on “I Don’t Want to Go” — I wrote about the past and the future, regarding some hospital stays of mine, including a sleep study scheduled for tonight.
In a comment, Kate @ Did That Just Happen wrote:
Well, I’m not sure if you wrote all of this just to avoid saying you don’t want to go, or if you are okay going… You’ve been hearing “I don’t want to go” out of others, and you shared some of your own experiences – but since you didn’t say you didn’t want to, then I just have to go with your written words and wish you well! I would imagine that it won’t be pleasant, but I bet you get a lot of good information out of it and that information can only help as you go forward!
Plus, you have a concert to look forward to!
… which I’ve been thinking about a lot. I wrote a reply yesterday, but I want to write another one, now:
I’m not sure, either.
I seem to have some fear, that is all out of proportion to what’s going to happen tonight in my sleep study at the hospital. At the same time, I agree that I will probably get a lot of useful information out of it.
I know that tonight’s sleep study will not be like my hospital stays when I was a kid.
Actually, that’s not true. I’ve been told that they are going to put gook and electrodes in my hair and electrodes on my body tonight. When I was a kid in the hospital, I REALLY hated that (especially the gooky hair part, which only happened once).
So, Kate, I would say that I Do Want to Go AND I Don’t Want to Go.
As I was writing that reply to Kate, I was having associations to the Gooky Hair thing they did to me was I was 8 or 9 (they did an EEG study on me, in the hospital, to rule out epilepsy, because I was fainting, because of my heart).
If I google images for “sleep study,” maybe I’ll find something that will make me feel better and less anxious about tonight.
Eeeeek! I found that image from “Sleep Studies Suck Ass.” I’m not kidding.
Here’s a Googled Image that didn’t scare me, quite as much:
I found that image at newscenter.philips.com.
For some reason, I’m feeling less anxious now.
In response to yesterday’s post, Sitting On My Own Sofa wrote:
This is beautiful. A beautiful piece of writing and a beautiful glimpse of what it is to be human and fragile and 13 or any age at all.
And I replied, “I was wondering what you would write about this piece. And, of course, it was beautiful.”
For some reasons, I’m feeling less anxious now.
Compassion and Cats
In response to yesterday’s post, Mel Wild wrote:
Ann, I think God must’ve installed a very good heart full of tenderness and compassion in you at that young age. It shines every time you write (your cats know it too!). You can certainly know that our thoughts and prayers ARE going with you.
Also, Cat wrote to me, blessedly soon after I posted:
beautiful cats. hope everything works out okay
For several reasons, I’m feeling less anxious now.
For many reasons, I’m feeling less anxious now.
Thanks to Dooley Noted (for the first photo, for his awesome attitude, AND for being from my beautiful Boston … I think), to all my amazing readers — those I quoted here AND those I did not — and to you, of course, for being here, today.